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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #951
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by misskitty;2693644;
    "Do you know why Santa always wears those big black boots?"

    "You'd wear them, too, if you had to walk around 9 reindeer all day long!!"
    Okay that made me laugh
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  2. #952
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Sing along with me....
    (To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland")

    Dogs tags ring, are you listenin'?
    In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
    It's yellow, not white
    I've been there tonight,
    Marking up my winter wonderland.

    Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
    It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
    "Avoid where I pee, it's my property!
    Marked up as my winter wonderland."

    In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
    following the classical design.
    Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
    So all the world will know that it is mine, mine, mine!

    Straight from me to the fencepost,
    flows my naturally incense boast;
    "Stay off my turf, this small piece of earth,
    I mark it as my winter wonderland."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #953
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Giving up Wine
    ----------------------

    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

    "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

    "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

    "Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I
    haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

    "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.
    Instead,I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

    The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

    I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #954
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    This is more of a little story than a joke.

    The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee
    ---------------------------------------

    When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

    A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began , he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded t o fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

    The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

    The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

    The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

    "Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

    The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

    The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

    "Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

    One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

    It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

    Please share this with someone you care about.

    I JUST DID
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #955
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Very good and insightful (is that a word?) Thank You misskitty
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  6. #956
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Thank you misskitty... I think that sometimes we all tend to get caught up in life's minutia that we forget to appreciate the important things... that was a wonderful reminder
    Okay I love FORT's casino, but I really am not very good. If anyone wants to donate their FORT $$ I would gladly accept http://www.fansofrealitytv.com/forum....php?do=donate

  7. #957
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  8. #958
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    bbnbama - That is funny.

  9. #959
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    So true. I am getting very tired of some reality tv shows.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #960
    Wild thang Rattus's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise."

    "Yes, Mrs. Kisselman?" the pastor prompted.


    "Two months ago," she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, "my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

    You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

    She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

    Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

    She went on, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

    The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

    A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim. I just wanted to tell my wife, once again, that the word is sternum!
    All I wanted was a 45, a stinking 45 - the record or the gun. I'd even settle for the damn malt liquor. - Al Bundy.

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