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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #941
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Joke I saw today:

    I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

    I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,orange, and blue.

    My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

    When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man-never done anything wild in your life?'

    Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

    And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  2. #942
    First time caller Spoose's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Oh my...that one made my day!
    Don't let the small things sweat

  3. #943
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    ha ha ha thanks for the good laugh... I needed that!!!

  4. #944
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Cat Law of Physics
    -------------------------------

    Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

    Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

    Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

    Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

    Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

    Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

    Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop, that has anything remotely interesting on it.

    Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

    Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

    Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.

    Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

    First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, t herefore, use as little energy as possible.

    Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.

    Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

    Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

    Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

    Law of Bag / Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

    Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

    Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

    Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

    Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

    Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

    Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

    Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

    Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

    Law of Selective Listening: Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.

    Law of Equidistant Separation: All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.

    Law of Cat Invisibility: Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.

    Law of Space-Time Continuum: Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

    Law of Concentration of Mass: A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.

    Law of Cat Probability (Cat's Uncertainty Principle): It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she "might" be.

    Law of Cat Obedience: As yet undiscovered.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #945
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    very good misskitty - you get an "A"
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  6. #946
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by gabriel;2681719;
    very good misskitty - you get an "A"
    Thank you kind sir, thank you very much!

    And, because I'm on a roll, , here's something for dog lovers!

    Mind Games Dogs play with their Owners
    -----------------------------------------------

    - After your humans give you a bath, don't let them towel-dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

    - Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong).

    - Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

    - Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go pee, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

    - Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go poop. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

    - When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

    - Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

    - Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you (don't reappear until one of your humans is panic- stricken and close to tears).

    - When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

    - Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep (humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!).
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #947
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    - Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep (humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!).
    This happens at least twice a week in the Newfherder household.

    - Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you (don't reappear until one of your humans is panic- stricken and close to tears).
    Gustav pulled this one TODAY! I came home, gave Bjorn a tummy rub, and then realized that I hadn't tripped over Gustav. I checked all of his usual napping places, then I checked the second floor--still no Gustav. It turns out that the big lunk-head had managed to get himself trapped in the first-floor powder room . Big dummy didn't bother to bark or whine when I was calling for him
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  8. #948
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by Newfherder;2682805;
    This happens at least twice a week in the Newfherder household.

    Gustav pulled this one TODAY! I came home, gave Bjorn a tummy rub, and then realized that I hadn't tripped over Gustav. I checked all of his usual napping places, then I checked the second floor--still no Gustav. It turns out that the big lunk-head had managed to get himself trapped in the first-floor powder room . Big dummy didn't bother to bark or whine when I was calling for him

    It figures, I have a cat that does that. She will only appear if she "feels" like it - soooo frustrating

  9. #949
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    ...Mind Games Dogs play with their Owners
    I'm sure between Gustav, Bjorn, Waldo, and all the other wonderful doggies we have here, the list could grow exponentially!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #950
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    "Do you know why Santa always wears those big black boots?"

    "You'd wear them, too, if you had to walk around 9 reindeer all day long!!"
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

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