+ Reply to Thread
Page 94 of 154 FirstFirst ... 4484858687888990919293949596979899100101102103104144 ... LastLast
Results 931 to 940 of 1540
Like Tree220Likes

Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #931
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Posts
    3,766

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    (like that character on Saturday Night Live),...

    Yeah, I made them first. It was my very own idea. I am selling so many of them I can't keep up!

    bbnbama, shere on earth did you find that!?? So hilarious!! (but distasteful...but still most importantly, funny!)

  2. #932
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Enchanted by a beautiful Soprano
    Posts
    3,163

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Found online:

    This is creepy! Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. Keep going . . .



    Don't stop . . .



    Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down . Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name



    Almost there . . .



    Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

    Take the hand you FIRST counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level . . .

    Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.

    Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person's name?!


    Of course not . . .


    Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack the silly out of yourself, get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games !
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  3. #933
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    In the Kat House in Kanada
    Posts
    7,704

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Darn you Newf! You got me on that one!!!


    EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
    --------------------------------------------------------

    1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

    Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .

    2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths, " I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

    Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

    3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her hus band had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

    Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

    4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress, a ND discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

    Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

    The other stories were not PG13.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #934
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    In the Kat House in Kanada
    Posts
    7,704

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

    Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.

    It was addressed ... 'Mom'

    With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

    "Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Mike, he is sooooo cool and nice - even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his leather motorcycle clothes.

    But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and Mike said that we will be very happy .He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

    He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Mike taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

    In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mike can get better; he sure deserves it!!

    Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

    Your daughter, Caitlin

    PS : Mom, none of the above is true ... I'm over at Karen's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer.

    Love you! ... Call me when it is safe.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #935
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    1,857

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    MissKitty, that was great! I needed that laugh today! Thank you '


  6. #936
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    In the Kat House in Kanada
    Posts
    7,704

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    How to Date A Woman With A Cat
    ===========================

    So, you're dating a gal who shares her residence with a cat. If your relationship is going to get anywhere, I encourage you to follow each of these suggestions:

    - Never, ever mention that you can (or can't) smell the litter box.

    - If the kitten wants to spend an hour untying your shoelace, let him. When he gets it untied, retie it so he can continue playing.

    - Never make a big show of brushing the cat fur from your slacks.

    - Get in the habit of putting a couple of sardines in your pocket. Slip them to the cat when she isn't watching (Note: you may have to do this through the entire dating period, because the cat will likely go for your pocket each time you visit).

    - Don't push the cat off the sofa if he's inserted himself between the two of you. If he's still sitting between the two of you when you get amorous, reassure him (mental telepathy is fine) that you have no harmful intentions against his companion, and move him gently to your lap. Try to keep one hand stroking the cat at all times in this situation.

    - If you're spending the night, do yourself a favor and don't even TRY to sleep in the cat's favorite spot on the bed.

    - When you phone her, ask about her cat.

    - When she leaves the room to fix cocktails or check on dinner, ask her if she's got a cat toy handy so you can keep the cat entertained.

    - If you're taking her out to dinner, ask her if it's okay to bring home a "cat bag" of leftovers for the cat.

    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #937
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    In Ms. Troubles life and apartment
    Age
    56
    Posts
    9,544

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    omg misskitty - both of these are great!

  8. #938
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Nap Time
    Posts
    13,232

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    misskitty - I want to know where to find the rest of those embarassing medical exams!
    Count your blessings!

  9. #939
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Dublin, OH
    Posts
    26,558

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Jimmy was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife Nina was really hacked. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

    The next morning Jimmy got up early and left for work. When Nina woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, Nina put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Funeral services for Jimmy have been scheduled for Friday.

  10. #940
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    In Ms. Troubles life and apartment
    Age
    56
    Posts
    9,544

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Ouch! Bwahahaha

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.