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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #921
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

    One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

    The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

    After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"

    "IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.

    Are you ready for this? Brace yourself.....









    "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

    (Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!)

  2. #922
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Love that one bfd!
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  3. #923
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Super Funny Jokes everyone! Thanks for all the chuckles

    Here are some Halloween Jokes! Great for kids.

    Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
    To improve his bite...

    What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
    Frostbite...

    Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
    Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

    How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
    With scare spray...

    What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
    A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

    Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
    No, they eat the fingers separately...

    Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
    Because they don't have any body to go out with...

    What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
    Booberries...

    What is a vampire's favorite sport?
    Casketball...

    What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
    Fangsgiving...

    What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
    Shrinkenstein...

    What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
    "Do you believe in people?"

    What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
    A cereal killer...

    Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
    They're so wrapped up in themselves...

    What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
    Dead ends...

    What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
    Fasten your sheet belts...

    What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
    A blood vessel...

    What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
    A scareplane...

    What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
    Bloodhounds...

    What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
    Lemon-slime...

    What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
    A stake sandwich...

    What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
    A trombone...

    What do birds give out on Halloween night?
    Tweets...

    Why do vampires need mouthwash?
    They have bat breath...

    What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
    A guy with very high blood pressure...

    Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
    He heard it had great circulation...
    Last edited by misskitty; 10-28-2007 at 12:11 PM.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #924
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    *GROAN*snicker*guffaw*laugh***
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  5. #925
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL
    ------------------------

    According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem.

    A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

    Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

    Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

    He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

    To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


    THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..
    There are teachers, and then there are Educators.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  6. #926
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    oh I like that one.

  7. #927
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Ha ha ha thanks for the good laugh

  8. #928
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    this is pretty funny...my niece keeps singing the 'gummybear song' and now its stuck in my head!

  9. #929
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Another funny email I received........


    Dear friends,

    This is somewhat embarrassing to admit - I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you as a gift. Please let me know your size. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below:

    How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:
    You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
    Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
    The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
    Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
    Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

    These slippers are:
    * Soft and Hygienic
    * Non-slip grip strips on the soles
    * Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
    * No more bending over to mop up spills
    * Disposable and biodegradable
    * Environmentally safe
    * Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags.

    I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself.... Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for you.

    Where do people come up with these ideas????
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  10. #930
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by bbnbama;2649256;
    Where do people come up with these ideas????
    I don't know.
    And I don't ever want to know.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

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