+ Reply to Thread
Page 92 of 154 FirstFirst ... 42828384858687888990919293949596979899100101102142 ... LastLast
Results 911 to 920 of 1540
Like Tree220Likes

Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #911
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    1,857

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    bbnbama - that is just tooo funny!

  2. #912
    First time caller Spoose's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    The bald-ass Canadian prairie
    Age
    36
    Posts
    281

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    This may have been posted before....

    Here's a question from the new driver's license test.............

    You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' - (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on) and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you.
    What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

    Click to see Spoiler:
    Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!!
    Don't let the small things sweat

  3. #913
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    salt lake city ut
    Age
    43
    Posts
    19,099

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    That was great, Spoose.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

    #oldmanbeatdown - Donny BB16

  4. #914
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In my own little world where all things are Idol......
    Age
    48
    Posts
    10,755

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Loved it spoose!
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  5. #915
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Posts
    3,760

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Spoose, I was sitting here trying to visualize where I was driving-great laugh!

  6. #916
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In my own little world where all things are Idol......
    Age
    48
    Posts
    10,755

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Funny email story someone sent to me....

    POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

    I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, 'Hi! I'm Betsy!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?'

    I'm thinking, 'Betsy, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'

    Betsy skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Betsy flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

    Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

    'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Betsy headed for the door.

    'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.

    Betsy kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy... the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

    Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

    After exchanging polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

    Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calm as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'!

    'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

    Two hours later, Betsy breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'

    And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  7. #917
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    michigan
    Age
    51
    Posts
    6,746

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    oh my .... that was great!!

  8. #918
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In my own little world where all things are Idol......
    Age
    48
    Posts
    10,755

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Has this one been posted yet??


    A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

    She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

    "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

    So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

    After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

    She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

    "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender.

    "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

    "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  9. #919
    Thinking femme fatale's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In a world of my own
    Age
    31
    Posts
    2,631

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    That's a good one bbnbama. I hadn't heard it before and it had me (as well as Mr. Fatale)

  10. #920
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In my own little world where all things are Idol......
    Age
    48
    Posts
    10,755

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    **another one I got in a recent email*

    TENNESSEE GHOST STORY.....

    A guy in Tennessee was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a really dark night in the middle of a thunder storm.

    Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

    Wanting a ride really bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door-only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

    The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the marsh and he would surely drown.

    Just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

    Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

    Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk.

    About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other:

    "Look Bubba, there's that idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain."

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.