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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #901
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

    With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

    With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

    If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Bud Light (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00.

    Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program. I call it my 401Keg.

  2. #902
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by barefootdyke;2595991;
    If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

    With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

    With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

    If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Bud Light (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00.

    Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program. I call it my 401Keg.
    *guffaw***snort**snort*BWAHAHH AAA
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  3. #903
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Excellent advice
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  4. #904
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by barefootdyke;2595991;
    If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

    With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

    With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

    If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Bud Light (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00.

    Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program. I call it my 401Keg.
    I think you just solved my retirement issue!! Thank you!

  5. #905
    FORT Fogey Add It Up Champion famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    How delightful! Not only will I now have an extra $200 a year, I will hopefully not even care! I can't wait!!

  6. #906
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I just got this in an email.

    NEVER CHEAT ON HILLBILLY WOMAN!!!!!

    A hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
    another woman. With superhuman strength, born of fury, and cutting
    firewood, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the
    tool shed out back of the barn. She put his penis in a vice and
    then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old
    carpenter's saw. The banged up husband was terrified, and hollered, "Stop!
    Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?" The
    wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand
    and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a
    cold beer."
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

  7. #907
    FORT Fogey Add It Up Champion famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    lil, great joke!

  8. #908
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Blonde In The Everglades

    A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades, while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes, in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices that the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

    The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

    The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

    As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

    With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

    The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

    Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration. .


    "CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  9. #909
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by bbnbama;2599724;
    "CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
    *snort*

  10. #910
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Oh That Is Good!
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

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