+ Reply to Thread
Page 90 of 156 FirstFirst ... 408081828384858687888990919293949596979899100140 ... LastLast
Results 891 to 900 of 1560
Like Tree268Likes

Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #891
    FORT Fanatic
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Welcome 2008!
    Posts
    536

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by bbnbama;2578267;
    The Accident.....

    I rear-ended a car this morning...right then I knew it was going to be a really bad day!

    When the driver got out of his car, I realized he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!"

    So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

    That's how the fight started.




    Thank You.....my day can begin now

  2. #892
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    salt lake city ut
    Age
    43
    Posts
    19,182

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by bbnbama;2578267;
    The Accident.....

    I rear-ended a car this morning...right then I knew it was going to be a really bad day!

    When the driver got out of his car, I realized he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!"

    So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

    That's how the fight started.



    Ok, I just about choked on breakfast after reading that one.

  3. #893
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    In the Kat House in Kanada
    Posts
    7,704

    Re: Jokes & Funnies



    Great jokes!!! Thank you for the giggles!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #894
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In my own little world where all things are Idol......
    Age
    48
    Posts
    10,755

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by ScoutMom;2578359;
    bbnbama - I'm really sorry you had the accident, and I hope no one was hurt. But I have to say, I almost peed my pants when I read the rest of your post. You absolutely HAVE to give us the rest of the story. You can't leave us hanging like that!

    OK, so after I came out of the thread and realized it was the "Jokes & Funnies" I realized how stupid my post was!
    And that in itself right there ScoutMom was hilarious!!!
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  5. #895
    FORT Fogey pakacat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Auburn, AL
    Age
    34
    Posts
    985

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    LOLCats have been around for awhile, but still never fail to crack me up.


  6. #896
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    michigan
    Age
    51
    Posts
    6,746

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    i just got this one in my email today....

    ---------

    Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "Frank, You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

    They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

    When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her.

    Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"



    Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was the crowd!....What the heck is a piñata?!"

  7. #897
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In my own little world where all things are Idol......
    Age
    48
    Posts
    10,755

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Men in Heaven

    When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women." I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

    The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

    God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

    God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

    The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  8. #898
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    In my own little world where all things are Idol......
    Age
    48
    Posts
    10,755

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK.)

    If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

    If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.

    Purchase the antidote known as Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER.) Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

    You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  9. #899
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    In Ms. Troubles life and apartment
    Age
    57
    Posts
    9,544

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    OH! thats good.... I 'll try it.
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  10. #900
    FORT Fogey BoBoFan's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Greensboro, NC
    Age
    54
    Posts
    2,224

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    the women's restroom . . .
    be prepared!

    When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually
    find a line of women, so you smile politely and take
    your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet
    under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

    Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking
    down the woman leaving the stall.
    You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't
    matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet
    your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"
    (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but
    empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if
    there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but
    quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn
    over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank
    down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

    In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles
    begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you
    certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay
    toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

    To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach
    for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper
    dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's
    voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the
    seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
    Your thighs shake more.

    You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose
    on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh
    yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have
    to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same
    time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the
    puffiest way possible . It's still smaller than your
    thumbnail .

    Someone pushes your door open because the latch
    doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is
    hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and
    you and your purse topple backward against the tank of
    the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for
    the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled
    tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing
    altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET
    SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all
    too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made
    contact with every imaginable germ and life form on
    the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet
    paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken
    time to try. You know that your mother would be
    utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain
    her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
    because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

    By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the
    toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a
    stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of
    the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers
    your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
    The flush somehow sucks everything down with such
    force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper
    dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

    At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the
    spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're
    exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you
    found in your pocket and then slink out
    inconspicuously to the sinks.

    You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with
    the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with
    spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of
    women still waiting.

    You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A
    kind soul at the very end of the line points out a
    piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where
    was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from
    your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her
    warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

    As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since
    entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed,
    he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse
    hanging around your neck?"

    This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a
    public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).
    It finally explains to the men what really does take
    us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked
    questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.
    It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto
    your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

    A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
    Hard to Find
    Supportive
    Comfortable
    Always Lifts You Up
    Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
    And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.