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Originally Posted by bbnbama;2578267;
The Accident.....
I rear-ended a car this morning...right then I knew it was going to be a really bad day!
When the driver got out of his car, I realized he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started.
Thank You.....my day can begin now
Ok, I just about choked on breakfast after reading that one.The Accident.....
I rear-ended a car this morning...right then I knew it was going to be a really bad day!
When the driver got out of his car, I realized he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's how the fight started.
i just got this one in my email today....
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Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "Frank, You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her.
Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was the crowd!....What the heck is a piñata?!"
Men in Heaven
When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women." I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK.)
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER.) Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
the women's restroom . . .
be prepared!
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually
find a line of women, so you smile politely and take
your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet
under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking
down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't
matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet
your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"
(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but
empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if
there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but
quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn
over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank
down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles
begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you
certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay
toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach
for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper
dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's
voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the
seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose
on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh
yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have
to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same
time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the
puffiest way possible . It's still smaller than your
thumbnail .
Someone pushes your door open because the latch
doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is
hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and
you and your purse topple backward against the tank of
the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for
the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled
tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing
altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET
SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all
too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made
contact with every imaginable germ and life form on
the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet
paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken
time to try. You know that your mother would be
utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain
her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the
toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a
stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of
the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers
your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such
force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper
dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the
spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're
exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you
found in your pocket and then slink out
inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with
the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with
spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of
women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A
kind soul at the very end of the line points out a
piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where
was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from
your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her
warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since
entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed,
he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse
hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a
public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men what really does take
us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked
questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.
It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto
your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
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