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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #881
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    TRIP TO WALMART

    You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

    Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following.

    In your 20's:

    Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

    In your 30's:

    Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

    In your 40's:

    Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

    In your 50's:

    Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms ".

    In your 60's:

    Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

    In your 70's:

    Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

    In your 80's:

    Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wonder around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

    In your 90's:

    Stop what you are doing.
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  2. #882
    Ad Astra Per Aspera homeontherange's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
    --Drew Carey

  3. #883
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A cowboy from Texas hauling his horse in a trailer to a rodeo gets pulled over by an Oklahoma DPS Trooper for speeding.

    The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were persistently buzzing around his head.

    The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' a problem with them circle flies ?"

    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

    "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

    "No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

    "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

    After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though".

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  4. #884
    I Is Stephanie
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Oh wow. Wow. That's amazing.

  5. #885
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    looks over at bbnbama..... HA HA HA HA HA -- now that was a goodie!
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  6. #886
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

    On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

    When you get home:

    1. Lock your doors
    2. Draw the curtains
    3. Disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
    4. Change into very comfortable pajamas and sit in your favorite chair.
    5. Carefully open the package and remove the thermometer.
    6. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

    Now the fun part begins:
    7. Take out the literature and read it carefully.
    8. You will notice, in small print, there is a statement...

    "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."


    Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:
    "I am so thankful that I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."



    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  7. #887
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Retirement is different for everyone..

    One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.

    On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

    On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

    This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

    "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

    "Yes," she said. "They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."


    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  8. #888
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Football FINALLY makes sense..........

    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's Bench.

    After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience."Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

    Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

    "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It' s only 25 cents!

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  9. #889
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The Accident.....

    I rear-ended a car this morning...right then I knew it was going to be a really bad day!

    When the driver got out of his car, I realized he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!"

    So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

    That's how the fight started.



    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  10. #890
    FORT Fogey ScoutMom's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    bbnbama - I'm really sorry you had the accident, and I hope no one was hurt. But I have to say, I almost peed my pants when I read the rest of your post. You absolutely HAVE to give us the rest of the story. You can't leave us hanging like that!

    OK, so after I came out of the thread and realized it was the "Jokes & Funnies" I realized how stupid my post was!
    Last edited by ScoutMom; 09-19-2007 at 06:17 AM. Reason: Correction

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