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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #871
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

    When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.

    Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

    Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

    Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  2. #872
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Now that one had me laughing - THANKS
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  3. #873
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A little Christian humor

    Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

    Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

    So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

    They moused.

    They faxed.

    They e-mailed.

    They e-mailed with attachments.

    They downloaded.

    They did spreadsheets!

    They wrote reports.

    They created labels and cards.

    They created charts and graphs.

    They did some genealogy reports.

    They did every job known to man.

    Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

    Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

    Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

    Jesus just sighed.

    Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

    'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

    Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

    Satan observed this and became irate.

    'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

    God just shrugged and said,


    "JESUS SAVES"!!!

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  4. #874
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    oooooooh
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  5. #875
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Can you tell I'm going through all my email with the jokes?

    MONEY:

    It can buy you a House........... ..But not a Home
    It can buy you a Bed................ .But not Sleep
    It can buy you a Clock............. ..But not Time
    It can buy you a Book........... ..But not knowledge
    It can buy you a Position.............But not Respect
    It can buy you Medicine...............But not Health
    It can buy you Blood...................But not Life
    It can buy you Sex.....................But not Love

    So you see , money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and
    suffering.
    I tell you all this because........... I am your Friend, and as your
    Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering..............

    So send me all your money..........

    And I will suffer for you.

    CASH ONLY PLEASE

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  6. #876
    Ad Astra Per Aspera homeontherange's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
    --Jeff Foxworthy

  7. #877
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A man is concerned that his wife is losing her hearing, so he devised a test. He stood on the opposite side of the kitchen from where she was cooking, and asked, "What's for dinner?" No answer. He moved to the middle of the kitchen and asked again. No answer. He then stood right next to her and asked, "What's for dinner?" She turned to him and said, "FOR THE THIRD TIME, WE'RE HAVING POT ROAST!"
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  8. #878
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    (spoken in true bayou Louisianan)

    Subject: Clearence

    Boudreaux yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"

    Dis went on for years.

    Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife Marie say "Now is you chance Boudreaux. Why don't you go over dere an beat up Clarence like you say?"

    Boudreaux say "ok" and start across de bridge but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.

    Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

    Boudreaux say "I dun change my mind bout beaten up Clarence. You know, Marie, dey got a sign on dat bridge what say Clarence 13 ft 6 in."


    You know, he don't look near dat big when I yell at him from across de bayou!"

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  9. #879
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Management Tip:

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

    Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

    "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

    "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

    Moral of the story:

    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #880
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

    NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

    SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

    THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.




    THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!

    Aw c'mon you know you didn't see that one coming now did you?
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

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