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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #861
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

    So they flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

    "I am so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

    "Okay. Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,"said the second.

    "O K," said the first. So they plopped down for a nap in the sun.

    No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

    "I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  2. #862
    Thinking femme fatale's Avatar
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    A Story of Male and Female Friendships

    An example of female friendship:
    A woman doesn't come home one night. The next morning she tells her husband that she spent the night at a friend's place. The husband calls her 10 best friends, nobody has seen her during the night

    An example of male friendship:
    A man doesn't come home one night. The next morning he tells his wife that he spent the night at a friend's place. The wife calls the ten best friends: 8 confirms her husband slept there, 2 says he's still there.

  3. #863
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    punkin
    Newf:
    Femme Fatale:
    -----------------------

    I don't remember where I got this from. Maybe it was from here?

    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

    In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 ,Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.

    I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

    Thanks,
    Troubled User....

    ______________________________ _______

    REPLY:
    Dear Troubled User:

    This is a very common problem that men complain about.

    Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 ...... It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

    You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application < B>"Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

    The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 ,Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

    However, be very careful how you use these pro grams. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

    WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

    Best of luck,
    Tech Support
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #864
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    25 signs that you are getting old
    1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
    2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
    3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
    4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
    5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
    6. You watch the weather channel.
    7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
    8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
    9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
    10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
    11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
    12. You don't know what time taco bell closes anymore.
    13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
    14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
    15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
    16. You take naps.
    17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
    18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
    19. You go to the drug store for Ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
    20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "Pretty good sh*t."
    21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
    22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
    23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
    24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
    25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh sh*t, what the h*ll happened?"

    Bonus:

    26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old a**.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  5. #865
    Crabby Cancerian remote_goddess's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I got this in an email this morning... had me cracking up!
    ****************************** ***************************
    Subject: SAMS warning

    I don't know how many of you shop at Sam's Club or Costco, but this may
    be
    useful to know or pass on to your family/friends.

    Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old
    well-built
    guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the
    trunk. They
    both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and
    Windex, with
    their highly-defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed. It's
    impossible
    not to look.

    When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
    you for
    a ride to another Sam's Club or Costco.

    You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start talking
    dirty
    about what they want to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into
    the
    front
    seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can
    make love
    to you!! While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!!

    I had my purs! e stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again
    on
    Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.

    I'm running out of purses....

    Can I borrow one of yours?

  6. #866
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Newf: I can relate to some of those!

    remotegoddess: I'm going to go to Sam's tomorrow!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #867
    FORT Fogey Add It Up Champion famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Shoot, I'm going to move to Sam's!

  8. #868
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Settling the hotel bill...

    A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
    almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
    they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
    room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
    the road.

    When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
    for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
    high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly
    aren't worth $350.00. When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard
    rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

    The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
    hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
    available for the husband and wife to use.

    "But we didn't use them," the man complains.

    "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He
    goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
    the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood
    and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

    "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

    "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. The
    Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
    He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised
    when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made
    out for $50.00."

    "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping
    with my wife."

    "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

    "Well, too bad," the man replies, "she was here and you could have."

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  9. #869
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    HA HA HA HA

    good one!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #870
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Oh that was a goodie!
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

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