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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #851
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
    "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

    In a Podiatrist's office:
    "Time wounds all heels."

    On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
    "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

    On another Septic Tank Truck:
    "We're #1 in the #2 business"

    At a Proctologist's door:
    "To expedite your visit please back in."

    On a Plumber's truck:
    "We repair what your husband fixed."

    On another Plumber's truck:
    "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

    On a Church's Billboard:
    "7 days without God makes one weak."

    At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
    "Invite us to your next blowout."

    On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
    "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

    At a Towing company:
    "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

    On an Electrician's truck:
    "Let us remove your shorts."

    In a Nonsmoking Area:
    "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

    On a Maternity Room door:
    "Push. Push. Push."

    At an Optometrist's Office :
    "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

    On a Taxidermist's window:
    "We really know our stuff."

    On a Fence:
    "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

    At a Car Dealership:
    "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
    payment."

    Outside a Muffler Shop:
    "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

    In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
    "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

    At the Electric Company:
    "We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
    However, if you don't, you will be."

    In a Restaurant window:
    "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

    In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
    "Drive carefully. We'll wait.

    At a Propane Filling Station ,
    "Thank heaven for little grills."

    And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
    "Best place in town to take a leak."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #852
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Unique Exercise for Building Muscles in 'Older' People
    -------------------------------------------------

    Just came across this exercise suggested for older people, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

    Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

    Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

    Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

    After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.

    Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arm straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

    After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #853
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Ok I'm laughing. That was good!
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  4. #854
    Me and my shadow Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    You got me too! And it reminded me of a real-life story in my town about when someone vandalized "The Vegetable Bin" - took their sign and put it in front of a nursing home. My other favorite real story from this town was a police blotter post in the paper, "Nude man reported running down airstrip, but when police arrived he had taken off."
    Count your blessings!

  5. #855
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Gutmutter - Those two made me chuckle
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  6. #856
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

    By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

    Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

    So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, a case of beer and a box of chocolates.

    You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  7. #857
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Ah HA HA HA HA HA - That was a good one!
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  8. #858
    FORT Regular Butterfly723's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I have looked but haven't seen this dumb joke here. Forgive me if you've heard this one.

    A woman takes her duck to the Vet., The vet looks at the duck and says "I'm sorry Ma'am your duck is dead.
    The woman doesn't believe him and asks him to run some tests.
    The vet brings out a Black Labrador, The Lab sniffs the duck, shakes his head and walks away.
    The vet then brings out a cat. The cat sniffs the duck , shakes his head and walks away.
    The vet then hands the woman a bill for $250.00
    The woman says "$250.00!! Why is it so much"?
    The vet says "Well Ma'am if you had taken my word for it that the duck was dead, it would have been much lower, but since I had to do a Lab report and a Cat scan, it is now $250.00"

    I don't know why but that joke had me cracking up!

  9. #859
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Butterfly and Bbnbama!
    You may have seen this one already.

    Tomatoes
    --------------
    An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him,

    "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

    Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

    To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

    Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

    During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

    At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

    Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

    Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!" " Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

    Which brings us to the moral of the story:

    Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

    Sadly, I received it also.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #860
    FORT Fogey Punkin's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Women Knowing Their Places

    A point of view...

    Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

    She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Miss Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

    Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

    The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land Mines."

    MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN.

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