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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #841
    FORT Fogey katgib13's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

    In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 ,Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.

    I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

    Thanks,
    Troubled User....

    ______________________________ _______
    REPLY:
    Dear Troubled User:

    This is a very common problem that men complain about.

    Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 ...... It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

    You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application < B>"Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

    The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 ,Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

    However, be very careful how you use these pro grams. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

    WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

    Best of luck,
    Tech Support

  2. #842
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Now here's some good advice if I've ever seen it!!!

    1. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

    2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
    in a garage makes you a car.

    3. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

    4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

    6. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip

    7. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    8. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

    9. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.

    10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

    11. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

    12. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
    is reversed.

    13. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

    14. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
    before you need it.

    15. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
    mistake when you do the same thing again.

    16. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

    17. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

    18. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

    19. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
    tried before.

    20. And never, EVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  3. #843
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
    next week!"

    4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
    " Because I said so, that's why."

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
    "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
    the store with me."

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    7. My mother taught me IRONY
    "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
    "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

    13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
    "Stop acting like your father!"

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
    "Just wait until we get home."

    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
    "You are going to get it when you get home!"

    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

    19. My mother taught me ESP.
    "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

    20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

    22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father."

    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

    25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


    Yep, sounds just like my mom!
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  4. #844
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Now this one had me rolling -- thanks!
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  5. #845
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    NEVER HEARD CREATION EXPLAINED THIS WAY BEFORE!!!

    In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

    Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

    And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

    And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

    S o God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

    God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

    God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

    God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

    Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

    God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

    God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

    Then Satan created HMOs.
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  6. #846
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    OMG bbnbama that was hilarious. Thanks
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  7. #847
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Fathers then & now
    ----------------------

    Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
    -------------------------------------------

    In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

    Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
    -----------------------------------------

    In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

    Today, it's the size of his minivan.
    ------------------------------------------

    In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

    Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
    ------------------------------------------

    In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

    Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
    ---------------------------------------

    In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

    Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
    ---------------------------------------

    In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

    Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
    ---------------------------------------

    In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

    Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
    ---------------------------------------

    In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

    If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
    ----------------------------------------

    In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

    Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
    ---------------------------------------

    In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

    Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
    ----------------------------------------

    In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

    Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
    -----------------------------------------

    In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

    Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
    ----------------------------------------

    In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

    Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
    ------------------------------------------

    In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

    Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
    ----------------------------------------

    In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

    Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
    --------------------------------------

    In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

    Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
    ---------------------------------------

    In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

    Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
    ------------------------------------------

    In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

    Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
    -------------------------------------

    In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

    Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
    ---------------------------------------

    In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

    Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
    ----------------------------------------

    In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

    Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
    ----------------------------------------

    In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

    In 2007, fathers are never truly appreciated.
    ==============

    I love and appreciate my Dad, always.
    Last edited by misskitty; 06-16-2007 at 04:26 AM.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #848
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
    -------------------------------------------------

    10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

    9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

    8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

    7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

    6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

    5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

    4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

    3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

    2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

    1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  9. #849
    Premium Member DesertRose's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    In the Recipe thread, I mentionned how Italians from Saint-Leonard have their own special dialect and how for years, I thought I had sanGwiches for lunch and not sanDwiches (funnier still, no one ever correct me or the thousands of other Italians that said it wrong).

    I also mentionned there was an Saint-Leonard dictionary on the Net. This is its site, although it might only be funny to those who speak a little Italian: The New Official Saint-Leonard Dictionary

    Some background:
    St. Leonard is the Italian section of the island of Montreal. A town where almost everyone is Italian. A town where everyone drinks Pisa, drives a red civic or a black GTI with an upside down Italian flag sticker on it (red-white-green) and makes his or her own wine, sausages and tomato sauce.
    The official language of St-Leonard is a bastardized combination of 3 languages (Italian, English and French) with a little bit of everyone’s Italian dialect thrown in...If you live in St-Leonard, you have to take out the garabeach (garbage) and put up the "tempo" (temporary winter car shelter) before winter season begins.
    The site also had the following, which cracked me up:
    YOU KNOW YOU'RE ITALIAN FROM SAINT-LEONARD WHEN...

    Your house was built with 2 full size kitchens but never ever was it necessary to use them both at once
    You and/or other household members use the hose to clean the concrete in your driveway and/or in the street in front of your house
    You're willing to let your kid miss school because Italy's national soccer team is playing
    The clanking of mason jars and tomatoes all over your garage floor means you're stuck making 500 pounds of tomato sauce on the hottest day of the summer.
    The plastic is still on the "good" furniture upstairs even though it will never be used since you live in the basement
    Your cupboards are stocked with the following name brands: Valli, Pastene,
    Saputo, Lancia, Brioschi, Nutella. You can distinguish between the taste of Del Verde and Barilla pastas.
    You know what a "Milano Sangwich" is
    You know what "S" cookies are
    You smoke "DuMaurier regular"
    Your dad stole all your hockey sticks in the garage and planted them in the garden to grow his tomatoes.

  10. #850
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.

    "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during
    the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

    The cannibals promised they would not.

    Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

    The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

    After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,

    "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

    A hand rose hesitantly.

    "You fool!", the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything......... But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

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