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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #831
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I've gotten some pretty funny emails lately...thought I'd pass some of them along to my FORT friends!

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*

    After months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally upon summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQing the following chain of events are put into motion:

    Routine...

    (1) The woman buys the food.
    (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes the dessert.
    (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, spices, and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

    Here comes the important part:

    (4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

    More routine....

    (5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
    (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring him another beer while he deals with the situation.

    Important again:

    (7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

    More routine....

    (8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
    (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

    And most important of all:

    (10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
    (11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

    Happy BBQing

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  2. #832
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

    With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

    And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

    Sermon complete, he sat down.

    The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,
    "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  3. #833
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Chili Cook-Off

    If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

    They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

    Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to e standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."


    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all of the beer.


    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

    **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

    Judge # 3 - No Report


    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  4. #834
    addicted MamaC's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Now that was FUNNY! I am laughing out loud!

  5. #835
    FORT Fanatic workn2hard2day's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    That was funny & I can relate as i dont eat SPICY foods!!

  6. #836
    It's not easy being green Toad's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote" My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano". Good times, good times.
    Ribbitt

  7. #837
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Football Stadium

    A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
    garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags,
    and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.

    Noticing this, a policeman stops her.

    "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

    “Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
    can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

    "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?

    "Did you steal it?"

    “Oh no"! , says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
    the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot
    of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

    "So,I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
    time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off
    it comes!'

    “Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's
    in the other bag?"

    "Well, says the little old lady, Not all of them pay."


    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  8. #838
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    *looks over at bbnbama* *groans* ok ok that was cute!
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  9. #839
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by gabriel;2432148;
    *looks over at bbnbama* *groans* ok ok that was cute!
    Hey, they can't all be belly busters!
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  10. #840
    FORT Fogey Add It Up Champion famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I thought it was a buster alright!!

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