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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #821
    FORT Fogey cricketeen's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    More email funnies:

    I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

    The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

    Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know,
    sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

    A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

    I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
    "If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." - Mario Andretti

  2. #822
    FORT Fogey cricketeen's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ... "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!
    "If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." - Mario Andretti

  3. #823
    Crabby Cancerian remote_goddess's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies


    Who's been following me around in the mornings?!

  4. #824
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
    ----------------------------------------------------------

    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

    4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
    " Because I said so, that's why."

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
    "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    7. My mother taught me IRONY
    "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
    "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

    13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
    "Stop acting like your father!"

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    "Just wait until we get home."

    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
    "You are going to get it when you get home!"

    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

    19. My mother taught me ESP.
    "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

    20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

    22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father."

    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

    25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #825
    I Is Stephanie
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    For everyone who has ever tried to change their eating habits...

    HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION:

    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two-to-one, etc.


    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain--Good!


    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

    A: You're not listening! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

    A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!


    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!!


    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
    ...And the strange boy continued to weave in and out of her life, leaving her with a sense of wonder and amazment, but also, a feeling of loss, knowing that life might never be the same again.

  6. #826
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies





    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #827
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #828
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I got this in an email today and it cracked me up. I'm easily entertained.


    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

  9. #829
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    That's pretty funny lildago!
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  10. #830
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    HA HA HA HA Good one.

    If this is a repeat. apologies.

    Seven Degrees of Blondage

    FIRST DEGREE
    A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

    The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

    The husband said, "Who was that?"

    The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."


    SECOND DEGREE
    Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

    The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


    THIRD DEGREE
    A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does
    so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

    The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

    The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


    FOURTH DEGREE
    A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of State capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

    A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

    The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


    FIFTH DEGREE
    What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

    "Is it mine?"


    SIXTH DEGREE
    Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

    Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."


    SEVENTH DEGREE
    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

    As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

    Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

    They send me a BLIND policeman."
    Last edited by misskitty; 05-17-2007 at 11:01 AM.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

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