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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #811
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    LOL those were punny!

    --------------

    Laid to Rest

    As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I
    became lost and did not stop for directions.

    I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

    The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.

    As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory." I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

    I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers
    saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #812
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

    He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

    "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  3. #813
    FORT Fogey CantGetNuf's Avatar
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    Last edited by CantGetNuf; 04-05-2007 at 11:06 AM.

  4. #814
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #815
    FORT Fanatic anemone's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Feel free to groan.

    A duck walked into a bar, hopped up on the barstool, and said to the bartender "Ya got any grapes?" The bartender replied "No, duck, this is a bar - we don't serve grapes here." So the duck hopped down and left.
    The next day, the duck came back and again asked "Ya got any grapes?" The bartender snapped "No, we don't serve grapes!" So the duck hopped down and left.
    Again the next day, the duck came back and asked the bartender "Ya got any grapes?" The bartender, fed up with the duck, lost his temper and yelled "NO! We do not serve grapes, and if you come back in here and ask that again I'm going to nail your feet to the bar!" So the duck shrugged, hopped down off his barstool, and left.
    The next day, the duck came back again. He hopped up on a barstool and addressed the bartender: "Sir, do you have any nails?" After a confused moment, the bartender said "No..." The duck sighed in relief.
    "Good. Ya got any grapes?"

  6. #816
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A lawyer joke. Chill. It's just a joke.

    A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and tore off the driver's door.

    Fortunately, a cop in a squad car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make
    it new again.

    After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

    "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

    The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!"

    "OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!"
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #817
    Thinking femme fatale's Avatar
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    Blonde Joke!

    A blonde woman walks into a bank office in the centre of a major city. She says that she's going to do some travelling and needs a loan of $1000. The cashier wants a secury deposit and the woman suggests her Porsche which is parked right outside. The bank accepts the car as deposit.

    After two weeks the woman comes back, pays the bank the $1000 and $50 worth of interest. The cashier says that they've done a background check on her and she's a millionaire, why did she need to borrow money from the bank?

    "Where else can I park my car for two weeks in the city, safely, at the low cost of $50?

  8. #818
    MRD
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

    "S**T!" said the Hypnotist.

    It took three days to clean up the Senior Center
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  9. #819
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Costello calls Abbott to buy a computer from Abbott's store:
    ----------------------------------------------------------

    ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: Your computer?

    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: What about Windows?

    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOTT: I just did.

    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOTT: Recommend something.

    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

    ABBOTT: Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: Word in Office.

    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers! What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

    ABBOTT: One copy.

    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    A few days later...

    ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

    ABBOTT: Click on "START.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #820
    Crabby Cancerian remote_goddess's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I got this in an email today and just had to laugh...

    --------------------------

    Happy Mother's Day/We have all had moments like this!

    We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack . Jack was a great cat and
    the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered
    him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our
    bathroom.

    Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old,
    3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves
    chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then
    losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep
    my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed
    to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

    Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and
    try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My
    two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to
    nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.
    Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a
    wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

    We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I
    am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the
    corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my
    chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . rear end. Eli looked right
    into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that
    he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly,
    Jack didn't seem to mind.

    And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was
    the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

    And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us
    that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little
    creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

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