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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #801
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by femme fatale
    The CEO:s of the brewing companies Heineken, Budweiser, Carlsberg and Guiness had been out for a round of golf. When The got to "The 19th hole" 8aka the bar) The bartender took their orders:
    The Heineken CEO said: "I'll have a Heineken It's all about the beer!"
    Moving on to the Budweiser CEO: "Budweiser, The king of beers!"
    The Carlsberg CEO wanted "Carlsberg, probably the best beer in the world."

    Finally the Guiness CEO ordered "I want a Coke". The other three men looked at him oddly until he replied:
    "Well if none of you are having beer, then neither will I"
    Bears repeating.


    Ok..this is for my pal Gutmutter..

    "If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
    "Good, what are we having for breakfast," said the new husband.
    "Toast and juice," she replied.
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  2. #802
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    And here's one for you... A skeleton goes into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
    I tell that one in my classroom and wait to see who's the first one to get it.
    Count your blessings!

  3. #803
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gutmutter;2263305;
    And here's one for you... A skeleton goes into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
    I tell that one in my classroom and wait to see who's the first one to get it.
    I just got it!

    -------------------------

    Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

    The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

    The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

    Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

    The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

    "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

    She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

    "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

    "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

    She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

    The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

    He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .

    (ok this is good)

    "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #804
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    ok -- *rolls eyes* guffaws, snickers, giggles, LAUGHTER!
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  5. #805
    FORT Fanatic anemone's Avatar
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    Oh, misskitty! My dad used to tell that joke with the best accent, of course back then it wasn't the Taco Bell chihuahua, just a chihuahua. Thanks for the memory.

  6. #806
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

    He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

    The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

    The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

    The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".

    The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

    The man thanked him and again walked away .

    The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

    The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

    The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"

    The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #807
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gutmutter;2263305;
    And here's one for you... A skeleton goes into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
    I tell that one in my classroom and wait to see who's the first one to get it.
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  8. #808
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    As you read these, remember not to drink and drive. And drink in moderation. Cheers!

    The 86 Rules of Drinking
    --------------------------

    1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

    2. Always toast before doing a shot.

    3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

    4. Change your toast at least once a month.

    5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

    6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

    7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

    8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

    9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

    10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

    11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

    12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

    13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

    14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

    15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

    16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

    17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

    18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

    19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

    20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

    21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

    22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

    23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

    24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

    25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

    26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

    27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

    28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

    29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

    30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

    31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

    32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

    33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

    34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

    35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

    36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

    37. Try one new drink each week.

    38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

    39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

    40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

    41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

    42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

    43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

    44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

    45. It's okay to drink alone.

    46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

    47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

    48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

    49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

    50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

    51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

    52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

    53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

    54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

    55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

    56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

    57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

    58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

    59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

    60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

    61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

    62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

    63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

    64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

    65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

    66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

    67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

    68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

    69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

    70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

    71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

    72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

    73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

    74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

    75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

    76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

    77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

    78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

    79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

    80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

    81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

    82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

    83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

    84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

    85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

    86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

    --Frank Kelly Rich
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  9. #809
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Ok that was good - made me laugh.
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  10. #810
    FORT Fogey cricketeen's Avatar
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    Sorry in advance if this has been posted before, but I adore puns....

    * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    * Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was
    resisting a rest.

    * Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
    He's all right now.

    * The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
    Cumference.

    * To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

    * When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

    * A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    * A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
    criminal.

    * Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with
    stalking.

    * We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

    * When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

    * The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number
    on it.

    * The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on
    shaky
    ground.

    * The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

    * If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

    * A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

    * A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

    * The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of
    himself.
    [That's a story that lens itself.]

    * Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

    * A backward poet writes inverse.

    * In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
    Count that votes.

    * A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

    * With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

    * Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A -flat
    miner.

    * When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    * The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.


    * A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
    Blownapart.

    * You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    * He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

    * A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    * He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    * His parents thought he was a budding genius, but he turned out to
    be a
    blooming idiot.

    * A plateau is a high form of flattery.

    * Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
    end.

    * When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

    * When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

    * Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    * Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    * Acupuncture: a jab well done
    "If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." - Mario Andretti

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