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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #791
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
    he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good
    home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
    without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that
    people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so
    he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone
    stole it.

  2. #792
    I Is Stephanie
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    Too funny! And everyone whose ever had a dog will know EXACTLY what the meaning of the first one is...

    Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

    8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

    9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

    12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

    5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


    Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

    Day 683 of my captivity:

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

    They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
    fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
    Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
    nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
    In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
    feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
    demonstrates what I am capable of.
    However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good
    little hunter" I am. The audacity!

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
    I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
    However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.
    I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies."
    I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
    tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
    I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
    snitches.
    The dog receives special privileges.
    He is regularly released -and seems to be more than willing to return.
    He is obviously retarded!

    The bird has got to be an informant.
    I observe him communicate with the guards regularly.
    I am certain that he reports my every move.
    My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated
    cell, so he is safe.......for now...
    ...And the strange boy continued to weave in and out of her life, leaving her with a sense of wonder and amazment, but also, a feeling of loss, knowing that life might never be the same again.

  3. #793
    Thinking femme fatale's Avatar
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    Who wants beer?

    The CEO:s of the brewing companies Heineken, Budweiser, Carlsberg and Guiness had been out for a round of golf. When The got to "The 19th hole" 8aka the bar) The bartender took their orders:
    The Heineken CEO said: "I'll have a Heineken It's all about the beer!"
    Moving on to the Budweiser CEO: "Budweiser, The king of beers!"
    The Carlsberg CEO wanted "Carlsberg, probably the best beer in the world."

    Finally the Guiness CEO ordered "I want a Coke". The other three men looked at him oddly until he replied:
    "Well if none of you are having beer, then neither will I"

  4. #794
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    The Moral of the Story
    -------------------------

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    "Tony, do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot fifteen of
    them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with her bare hands."

    Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible tale?"

    "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."
    Last edited by misskitty; 02-21-2007 at 04:02 PM.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #795
    FORT Fogey ScoutMom's Avatar
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    What's really funny about this is I have a SIL named Karen. And I can see her doing that!

  6. #796
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    It's time for Irish Jokes and St. Patricks' Day Jokes folks.
    ----------------

    An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthily examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

    Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.

    After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
    There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

    He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

    After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

    Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #797
    I Bleed Scarlet And Gray FireWoman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by femme fatale;2247290;
    The CEO:s of the brewing companies Heineken, Budweiser, Carlsberg and Guiness had been out for a round of golf. When The got to "The 19th hole" 8aka the bar) The bartender took their orders:
    The Heineken CEO said: "I'll have a Heineken It's all about the beer!"
    Moving on to the Budweiser CEO: "Budweiser, The king of beers!"
    The Carlsberg CEO wanted "Carlsberg, probably the best beer in the world."

    Finally the Guiness CEO ordered "I want a Coke". The other three men looked at him oddly until he replied:
    "Well if none of you are having beer, then neither will I"

    Beautiful!
    "Irregardless? That's not even a real word. You're affixing the negative prefix 'ir-' to 'regardless', but, as 'regardless' is already negative, it's a logical absurdity!" ~Steve Smith

    "Once I swore I would die for you, But I never meant it like this."

  8. #798
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by misskitty;2261601;
    Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"
    Ha, ha, ha. Dying of cancer - now there's a good joke.
    Count your blessings!

  9. #799
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    :onho Oh my Gosh. I'm soooo sorry Gutmutter. I obviously wasn't thinking past my cold meds.

    Bad kitty. Baaaad kitty.

    *slinks off to dog house with fluffy tail between legs*
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #800
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    That's ok. It just struck a wrong chord with me. Don't feel bad on my account, please.
    Last edited by Gutmutter; 03-02-2007 at 02:52 PM.
    Count your blessings!

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