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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #781
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    I believe some of us have seen this lately.

    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #782
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Superbowl Fans
    -----------------

    This morning, a Gary, Indiana, kindergarten teacher explained to her class that she is a Chicago Bears fan. She asked her students to raise their hands if they are Bears fans, too. Not really knowing what a Bears fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands flew into the air.

    There was, however, one exception. Susie has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Bears fan" she reports.

    "Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

    "I'm an Indianapolis Colts fan," boasts the little girl.

    The teacher asks Susie why she is a Colts fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Colts fans, so I'm a Colts fan, too" she responds.

    "That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

    Susie smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Bears fan."

    Go Colts!!!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #783
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Those last two were great misskitty!

  4. #784
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gabriel;2228969;
    Those last two were great misskitty!
    Always hoping to bring a smile, gabriel. Thanx.

    FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

    4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
    management course you sent me to."

    3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here
    just in time."

    2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you
    put your ear down real close?"

    And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at
    your desk...


    1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."
    Last edited by misskitty; 02-04-2007 at 07:14 PM.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #785
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

    With even greater emphasis he said, " And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

    And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

    Sermon complete, he sat down.

    The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  6. #786
    FORT Fanatic anemone's Avatar
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    ~~~~~~~~~~~GROWING OLDER~~~~~~~~~~

    A couple in their nineties was having problems remembering things. They decided to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor told them that they were physically okay, but that they might want to start writing things down, to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. His wife asked, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replied.
    "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
    "Sure."
    "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
    asked.
    "No, I can remember it."
    "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down, because you know you'll forget it."
    He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
    "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
    Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbled his way into the kitchen.
    After about 20 minutes, the old man returned from the kitchen, and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and asked, "Where's my toast?"


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~AN D OLDER~~~~~

    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
    "Yep!"
    "Do I know her?"
    "Nope!"
    "This woman, is she good looking?"
    "Not really."
    "Is she a good cook?"
    "Naw, she can't cook too well."
    "Does she have lots of money?"
    "Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
    "Well then, is she good in bed?"
    "I don't know."
    "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
    "Because she can still drive!"


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND OLDER~~

    Three old guys are out walking.
    First one said, "Windy, isn't it?"
    Second one said, "No, it's Thursday!"
    Third one said, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A ND OLDER~~~~

    A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
    cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's
    perfect."
    "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
    "Twelve thirty."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A ND OLDER~~~

    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
    days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
    young woman on his arm.
    A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
    really doing great, aren't you?"
    Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and
    Be cheerful.'"
    The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
    murmur. Be careful.'"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A ND OLDER~~

    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
    himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
    he ordered a banana split.
    The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
    "No," he replied, "arthritis, but thanks for asking."

  7. #787
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    anemone: Those were hilarious. I'm sending them to my Dad!
    -----------

    A man walks into the psychiatrist's office and says.

    Doctor I can't decide if I'm a wigwam or a teepee. Can you help me?

    I know what your problem is.

    What?

    You're too tense.

    --------------------------

    A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

    The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #788
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
    "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken the rest of my life?

    "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

    There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
    "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*

    An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

    As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

    "Yes, Dad, what is it?"

    "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
    if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."


    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  9. #789
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    FBI Job Opening


    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

    Kill Her!!!"

    The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

    The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

    "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

    MORAL: Women are evil.
    Don't mess with them.

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  10. #790
    FORT Fogey Cornedbeef's Avatar
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    A redheaded woman is driving along a country road when she notices a farmer tending to his sheep in a field. She pulls over to the side of the road and rolls down her window.

    "I have always wanted a sheep for a pet." The woman says.
    "Tell you what guess the number of sheep I have and I will let you take one." The farmer replies.
    "114."
    "That's right."
    The woman gets out of her car and picks up the animal.
    "You aren't really a redhead."
    "Yes but how did you know."
    "Well give me back my dog and I will tell you."

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