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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #771
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

    On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

    One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

    "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

    Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

    Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

    He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

    Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

    "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!

    Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

    The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

    When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

    Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

    The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.

    Let's see if we can see the Lord."

    Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

    At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

    They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  2. #772
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    bbnbama: That is sooooo funny!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #773
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING THE OTHER DAY.

    I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE COP LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT.

    A Sign That You're Driving Too Fast........

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  4. #774
    I Is Stephanie
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    My dad sent me that a while ago... I think it's the cutest thing!
    ...And the strange boy continued to weave in and out of her life, leaving her with a sense of wonder and amazment, but also, a feeling of loss, knowing that life might never be the same again.

  5. #775
    FORT Fogey CantGetNuf's Avatar
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    A blonde, brunette, and a redhead were sitting in a sauna.

    Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The brunette looked down, pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my Day Scheduler," she said. “I have a PDA microchip under the skin of my arm.”

    A few minutes later a phone rang. The redhead lifted her hand to her ear and began a conversation. When she finished, she explained, "That was my cell phone. I have a microchip in my palm."

    The blonde felt very low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end; the others raised their eyebrows and stared at her, embarrassed to say anything.

    After an uncomfortable moment, the blonde finally said “Well, will you look at that... I'm getting a fax!!”

  6. #776
    FORT Fogey Cornedbeef's Avatar
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    CantGetNuf, that is very funny.

  7. #777
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    This could happen to you.

    I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
    "Hi, how are you?"

    I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
    "Doin' just fine!"

    And the other person says:
    "So what are you up to?"

    What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
    "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"


    At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
    "Can I come over?"


    Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
    "No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

    Then I hear the person say nervously...
    "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  8. #778
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    bbnbama: That is just too funny!

    Arghh! My Eudora just froze so I can't post another joke...will try after reboot .....
    ----------

    E.T.A.

    Gotta Love Those Newfies

    Recently a routine RCMP patrol parked outside a bar just off the main Highway at Goobies, Newfoundland.

    After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

    After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons failed to observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

    Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

    At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

    To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

    "I doubt it," said the truly proud Newfoundlander.

    "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
    >
    Last edited by misskitty; 01-28-2007 at 07:52 PM.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  9. #779
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    Dear God

    Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mom was making dinner. His birthday was coming up, and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. "Of course," he said. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you've behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

    Letter 1: "Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year, and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy." Leroy knew this was not true, so he tore the letter up and wrote a new one.

    Letter 2: "Dear God, I have been an okay boy this year. I still would like a bike for my birthday. Leroy." This letter was no good either.

    Letter 3: "Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry, and I will be a good boy next year if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please. Thank you. Leroy."
    Leroy knew this wasn't true, and now he was getting upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he needed to go to church. She thought her plan had worked and told him to be home in time for dinner.

    Leroy walked into the church and went to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was watching. He bent down, picked up the statue of the Virgin Mary, and slipped it under his coat.

    Letter 4: "Dear God, I got your mama. If you want to see her
    again, send the bike. Signed, You know who."

  10. #780
    FORT Fogey Cleocatra's Avatar
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    27 strict rules for dealing with stray cats

    STRICT, UNBENDING RULES FOR DEALING WITH STRAY CATS

    1. Stray cats will not be fed.

    2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

    3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

    4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

    5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

    6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.

    7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

    8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

    9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

    10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".

    11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

    12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

    13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

    14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

    15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high- impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.

    16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

    17. Stray cats will sleep outside.

    18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

    19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.

    20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

    21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed withnon-allergenic lamb's wool pillow.

    22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

    23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, exceptat the foot.

    24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

    25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.

    26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.

    27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

    28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4 hbdm9l o9jmdskdm,.USING IT!





    boy oh boy, that's me in a nutshell!

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