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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #731
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Those are hilarious!

    Chet The Christmas Parrot
    ---------------------------------
    -
    One day a husband decided to go to a pet store and get his wife a bird for Christmas. He knew she loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this would be the perfect gift for her.

    He goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, it's a bird named Chet who sings.

    The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet can sing, and that he'll show him.

    The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."

    The husband says that it was great and asks, "Does Chet sing anything else?"

    So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet.

    He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."

    The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..."

    The wife is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?"

    The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #732
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #733
    Leo
    Leo is offline
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    The folks at JibJab have something new, and they proudly present...

    Nuckin' Futs (The JibJab Year In Review)
    Video at: http://www.jibjab.com/nuckin_futs (Warning: it's a 10MB file, so it could take a while.)

    Welcome to our show,
    We're happy that you're here,
    To hear us sing a song,
    About this crazy year!

    There was violence in Iraq,
    Trouble in Afghanistan,
    And Brangelina had a kid and started their own clan!

    Oh!-Sama hides!
    Britney rides.
    Saddam lost his case.
    Remember when Dick Cheney shot that one guy in the face?

    Phone call scans!
    Liquid bans!
    Chavez blew a nut!
    In the year 2006 the world was NUCKIN' FUTS!

    Tom Cruise got the axe.
    The Thai had quite a coup
    I learned at Summer Camp,
    Mel Gibson hates the Jews.

    Haggard fell from grace,
    Zarqawi bit the dust,
    And the Google Guys bought YouTube for a couple billion bucks!
    WOO-HOO!

    Did you hear?
    This past year,
    Castro nearly croaked.
    And Ariel Sharon suffered a hemorrhagic stroke.

    Abramoff!
    Tom Delay!
    Freezers full of cash!
    My Congressman IM'd me for a picture of my ASS!

    Paris swore off sex,
    Religious wars abound,
    Kim Jung lit a bomb,
    Somewhere underground.

    E-Coli in our food,
    Ken Lay died after trial,
    Lance Bass announced that he prefers alternative life styles!
    WHEEE!

    Did you hear?
    This past year,
    Rummy got the can.
    The Dems took over Congress,
    I don't think they have a plan!

    Israel!
    Hezbollah!
    Iran wants a bomb!
    The way that things are headin'
    Armageddon won't be long!
    It really won't be long!
    Yeah!
    Last edited by Leo; 12-15-2006 at 02:14 PM.

  4. #734
    Endlessly ShrinkingViolet's Avatar
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    That was quite the year in review, Leo.

  5. #735
    Looking for a way out Bubba-Jo-Lyn's Avatar
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    A Cat's Night Out

    A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard ran back into the house.

    They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

    Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

    A few minutes later,the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long, he said as they drove away. "Stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat a** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not sh*t in the roses!"

    The cabdriver hit a parked car...
    Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: small government. Doing what Jesus asked: big government - Stephen Colbert

    Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. (Unknown)

  6. #736
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Bubba Claus
    --------------------------------------------

    I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

    As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however; there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

    1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

    2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

    3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

    4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Ernhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

    5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd dat!"

    6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

    7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

    8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

    9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like, "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #737
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Too funny!
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  8. #738
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Twelfth Computer Bug of Christmas ....now singalong y'all
    --------------------------------------

    For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    Tell them it's a feature

    Say it's not supported

    Change the documentation

    Blame it on the hardware

    Find a way around it

    Say they need an upgrade

    Reinstall the software

    Ask for a dump

    Run with the debugger

    Try to reproduce it

    Ask them how they did it and

    See if they can do it again.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  9. #739
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Oh I'm going to send this to my IT guy at work
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  10. #740
    FORT Fogey cricketeen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by misskitty;2176079;
    Those are hilarious!

    Chet The Christmas Parrot
    ---------------------------------
    So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

    When I was in high school, I dated a boy named Chet and after 24 years of marriage my husband still thinks it's funny to sing this to me at Christmastime.
    "If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." - Mario Andretti

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