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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #721
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Bill Gates vs. General Motors

    For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives but occasionally feel like taking a hammer to it, read on.

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
    "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash......Twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

    6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

    7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

    8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #722
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    The Cockroach
    -------------------

    Once a medical student makes a lot of mess in the classroom and so the lecturer got fed up with him. He asked the student to go to the medical lab and make some observations on a cockroach.

    The student then goes to the lab, takes a cockroach, puts it on the table and says “walk”, so the cockroach walks.

    He writes this in his observation book,then he cuts 5 of its legs, one after the other, and asks it to walk each time and the poor cockroach walked.

    He notes this in his observation book, now after cutting the sixth leg (the last leg),when he asks the cockroach to walk it doesn’t and so the student writes,

    that on cutting the sixth leg of the cockroach

    it CANNOT HEAR…poor cockroach.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #723
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    I thought this was holiday appropriate considering all the cooking that is going on this weekend. My mother is just like Cathy's mother.

    Last edited by misskitty; 11-23-2006 at 06:23 PM.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #724
    Leo
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    I picked this up from a blog. Call it the Iron Laws of High School Reunions:

    1) Physically and emotionally, the men will have changed much more than the women. This is mostly physiology -- boys mature later, and are the ones who go bald. Plus, if they're very, very lucky, the men will also meet someone who can dress them better than when they were in high school.

    2) If you have children, you will save yourself and everyone else a lot of time if you laminate some picture(s) of your offspring and staple them to your forehead.

    3) That person you had a crush on in tenth grade? They're still going to look good twenty years later.

    4) Someone will be out of the closet -- with a 50% chance that that person was in your homecoming court (note to Generation Y: this will be reversed for all y'all -- someone who came out in high school will be in a heterosexual marriage, with two kids and a house in Schenectady).

    5) WARNING: you will drink more at these functions than you probably should.

    6) There will always be at least one woman who has given birth to many children in recent years but look like they could do a guest-hosting stint on E!'s Wild On series.

    7) At any point during the reunion, you will observe a large number of women congregating near the bathroom, whispering to each other and giggling every five seconds.

    8) Someone's going to bring their high school yearbook.

    9) The food will leave something to be desired.

    10) Unless he or she attended your high school, under no circumstances should you subject your spouse to this function.

  5. #725
    Premium Member DesertRose's Avatar
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    Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

    Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

    Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

    Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

  6. #726
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    This is just too darn cute.

    What does Love mean?

    A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

    The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
    ----------------

    "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
    Rebecca- age 8

    "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
    You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
    Billy - age 4

    "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
    Karl - age 5

    "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
    Chrissy - age 6

    "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
    Terri - age 4

    "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
    "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
    Emily - age 8

    "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
    Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

    "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
    Nikka - age 6

    "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
    Noelle - age 7

    "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
    Tommy - age 6

    "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
    He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
    Cindy - age 8

    "My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
    Clare - age 6

    "Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
    Elaine-age 5

    "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
    Chris - age 7

    "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
    Mary Ann - age 4

    "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
    Lauren - age 4

    "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
    Karen - age 7

    "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
    Mark - age 6

    "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
    Jessica - age 8

    And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

    The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

    Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

    When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
    "Nothing, I just helped him cry"
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #727
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Time for Xmas jokes! Woo hoo!

    The Company Xmas Party
    +++++++++++++++++++

    Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all.

    He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force Himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

    Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring at him in the bathroom mirror.

    Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!, “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!”

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating.

    Jack asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

    “Well, you came in at 3 a.m., drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

    Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

    Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

    His son replies, “OH, THAT!”... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!”

    Broken coffee table – $39.99
    Hot Breakfast $4.20
    Two Aspirins $.38

    Saying the right thing at the right time...

    Priceless
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #728
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    That was good.
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  9. #729
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    This is my all-time favorite Christmas story, written by Jeff Foxworthy:

    As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

    One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

    On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

    We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,"Hang on Granny! Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.

    A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

    The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

    It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

    Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination and found the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot amber to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  10. #730
    Looking for a way out Bubba-Jo-Lyn's Avatar
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    Psychological Disorders and Their Christmas Carols

    1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

    2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

    3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

    4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

    5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

    6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

    7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

    8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

    9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

    10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle ......
    Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: small government. Doing what Jesus asked: big government - Stephen Colbert

    Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. (Unknown)

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