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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #711
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    I wish I could claim authorship of this!

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION )*(&#(*)&)(#%)jld*(&#*#***!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, te$ticle$ nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-B!TCH... That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

    My triceps, right thigh and both ni**les were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my te$ticle$. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  2. #712
    Looking for a way out Bubba-Jo-Lyn's Avatar
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    Manners

    During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
    manners, asked her students the following question:
    "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
    how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
    Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
    The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
    What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
    Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
    "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
    And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
    "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
    I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
    Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: small government. Doing what Jesus asked: big government - Stephen Colbert

    Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. (Unknown)

  3. #713
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Heavenly Computer Competition

    Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer.

    This went on for days until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge.

    They sat at their computers and began.

    They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen.

    Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

    "Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."

    Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

    Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"



    God chuckled, "Jesus saves"
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #714
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Rhyming Good Timing...
    -------------------------------------------------

    Someone had too much time on their hands

    When the moon hits your eye
    Like a big pizza pie
    That's amore.

    When an eel bites your hand
    And that's not what you planned
    That's a moray.

    When our habits are strange
    And our customs deranged
    That's our mores.

    When your horse munches straw
    And the bales total four
    That's some more hay.

    When Othello's poor wife
    Gets strangled in strife
    That's a Moor, eh?

    When a Japanese knight
    Waves his sword in a fight
    That's Samurai.

    When your sheep go to graze
    In a damp marshy place,
    That's a moor, eh?

    When your boat comes home fine
    And you tied up her line
    That's a moor, eh?

    When you ace your last tests
    Like you did all the rest
    That's some more "A's"!

    When on Mt. Cook you see
    An aborigine
    That's a Maori.

    A comedian-ham
    With the name Amsterdam
    That's a Morrey.

    When your chocolate graham
    Is so full and so crammed
    That's smore.

    When you've had quite enough
    Of this dumb rhyming stuff
    That's "No more", eh?
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #715
    Aint I a lil devil? SuperBrat's Avatar
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    Bratty's Favoritest Lame Joke EVER!

    So, a biy mushroom walks into a bar. He sees a cute girl mushroom sitting down, so he walks over to her.

    "Will you go out with me?" he asked.

    "No," she answered.

    "why not?" the boy mushroom asked, "I'm a fun guy!"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~

    Yay for puns!
    Pink Elephants on Parade!

  6. #716
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    How to Identify Where A Driver Is From
    -----------------------------------------------

    1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.

    2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.

    3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.

    4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.

    5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.

    6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

    7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

    8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.

    9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.

    10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.

    11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #717
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Rules For Flight
    -----------------------------------

    There is a lot pilots have to take into account when hauling your butt across the sky...

    1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

    2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

    3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

    4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

    5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

    6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

    7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

    8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

    9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

    10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

    11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

    12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

    13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

    14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

    15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

    16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

    17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

    18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

    19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

    20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment

    21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

    22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

    23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law.

    24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

    25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #718
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    A Halloween Funny

    A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:


    BUMP...


    BUMP...


    BUMP...

    Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.


    BUMP..


    BUMP...


    BUMP...



    Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him


    FASTER...

    FASTER...

    BUMP...

    BUMP...

    BUMP...

    He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

    However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

    clappity-BUMP...

    clappity-BUMP...

    clappity-BUMP...


    on his heels as the terrified man runs.


    Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

    With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.


    Bumping and clapping toward him.


    The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

    Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



    and,




    (hopefully you're ready for this!!!)




    The coffin stops........
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  9. #719
    Looking for a way out Bubba-Jo-Lyn's Avatar
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    Dear Pets:

    The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.


    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

    To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

    To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
    1. They live here. You don't.
    2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
    3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

    Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
    1. Eat less
    2. Don't ask for money all the time
    3 Are easier to train
    4. Usually come when called
    5. Never drive your car
    6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
    7. Don't smoke or drink
    8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
    9. Don't wear your clothes
    10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
    11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
    Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: small government. Doing what Jesus asked: big government - Stephen Colbert

    Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. (Unknown)

  10. #720
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    14 Reasons To Allow Drinking On The Job
    -------------------------------------------

    1. It's an incentive to show up.

    2. It reduces stress.

    3. It leads to more honest communications.

    4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

    5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

    6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

    7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

    8. It encourages carpooling.

    9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

    10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

    11. It makes fellow employees look better.

    12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

    13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

    14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

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