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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #701
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students!
    Those students must have had access to the same joke books that I read when I was that age.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  2. #702
    Thinking femme fatale's Avatar
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    A woman is standing in front of the mirror, saying to her husband "I am so old, fat and ugly! Please, give me a compliment!"

    "Well, your eyesight is perfect!"

  3. #703
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    25 Signs Showing You Might be Canadian
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".

    2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

    3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

    4. You drink Pop, not Soda.

    5. You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean.

    6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays with good cigars.

    7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

    8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

    9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

    10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

    11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

    12. You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & many more, are Canadians.

    13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

    14. You know what a touque is.

    15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

    16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee"

    17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

    18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.

    19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

    20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

    21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".

    22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.

    23. You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

    24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than,"Huh?"

    25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends. Then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them ... further.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #704
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    The way I figure it, misskitty, I must be no more than 8% Canadian. The rest left me scratching my head
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  5. #705
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Newfherder View Post
    The way I figure it, misskitty, I must be no more than 8% Canadian. The rest left me scratching my head
    Really? That's funny. What number(s) on the list did you actually understand? Or is there a few I could clarify for you?
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  6. #706
    FORT Fanatic imajunkie2's Avatar
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    misskitty

    the only one I didn't know is the American Airlines one, and oh my Canadian Tire money has its own spot in a cubby in van, never leave home without it

  7. #707
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Understanding Marketing
    ------------------------------------------

    You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

    That's Direct Marketing.


    You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."

    That's Advertising.


    You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

    That's Telemarketing.


    You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

    That's Public Relations.


    You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

    That's Brand Recognition.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #708
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE "LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS"
    REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY
    Monday, October 2, 2006

    NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
    OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


    Class 1
    How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
    Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

    Class 2
    The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
    Round Table Discussion.
    Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

    Class 3
    Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
    Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
    Group Practice.
    Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 4
    Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
    Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
    Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

    Class 5
    After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
    Examples on Video.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
    at 7:00 PM

    Class 6
    Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
    Help Line Support and Support Groups.
    Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

    Class 7
    Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
    And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
    Open Forum.
    Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

    Class 8
    Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
    Graphics and Audio Tapes.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 9
    Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
    Real Life Testimonials.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

    Class 10
    Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
    Driving Simulations.
    4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

    Class 11
    Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
    Online Classes and role-playing.
    Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

    Class 12
    How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
    Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

    Class 13
    How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
    Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 14
    The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
    Live Demonstration.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

    Upon completion of any of the above courses,
    diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*
    All in good fun guys
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  9. #709
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    How to tell if you need to pray at work

    When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good
    morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to
    slap the s#@! out of her"... You need to pray at work.

    When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5
    minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want
    now?"..... You need to pray at work.

    When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want
    to say, "which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my
    computer?"..... You need to pray at work.

    When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a
    third person comes in and says, "well at my last
    office...," and you want to throw a stapler at him......
    You need to pray at work.

    When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first
    thing that crosses your mind is, "what the h*&^ does she
    want now?" and you try to hide underneath your
    desk......... You need to pray at work.

    When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's
    work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both
    of you can kiss my a@@!!".... You need to pray at work.

    When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up
    someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn
    thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say "that lazy
    b*&%$#"...... You need to pray at work.

    When you take some vacation time and come back to find a
    mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one
    else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^%F%
    &#s"........You need to pray at work.

    If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking,
    punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that you
    work with......You need to pray at work.

    If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing
    to someone because you know it's going to lead to their
    life story .......You need to pray at work.

    If you know all the words that have been bleeped out.. You
    need to pray at work!

    LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  10. #710
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    I love this thread! Nothing much to add, except this sign I saw in Boston's Chinatown. Is it funny, or is it just my warped mind?

    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

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