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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #691
    Looking for a way out Bubba-Jo-Lyn's Avatar
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    How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

    1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
    whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned
    out bulb?
    2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up
    to code.
    3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
    4. Rottweiler: Make me.
    5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
    6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
    Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
    7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from >the
    dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more
    perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the
    situation.
    8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
    walls and furniture.
    9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light
    bulb!
    10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
    dark.
    11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light
    bulb."
    12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
    13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little
    circle...
    14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By
    the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

    How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

    Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real
    question is:
    "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a
    massage?"

    ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
    Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: small government. Doing what Jesus asked: big government - Stephen Colbert

    Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. (Unknown)

  2. #692
    FORT Fogey CantGetNuf's Avatar
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    Those are so cute Bubba Jo Lyn. And seem so accurate.

    A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he

    came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

    The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He

    got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large

    thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

    As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man

    stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

    Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

    For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.

    One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached

    the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where

    they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help

    wondering if this was the same elephant.

    After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

    The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way

    into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in

    wonder.

    Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the

    man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing

    him.

    Probably wasn't the same elephant.

  3. #693
    Looking for a way out Bubba-Jo-Lyn's Avatar
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    Top Ten Reasons "Why e-mail is like a penis."

    Top Ten Reasons "Why e-mail is like a penis."

    10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

    9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

    8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not
    worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

    7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon
    psychologists call "E-mail Envy."

    6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real
    work done.

    5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
    vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only
    thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

    4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

    3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
    size and influence warrant.

    2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot
    of trouble.

    And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."

    1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!
    Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: small government. Doing what Jesus asked: big government - Stephen Colbert

    Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. (Unknown)

  4. #694
    Looking for a way out Bubba-Jo-Lyn's Avatar
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    Life Cycle

    I think the life cycle is all backwards.

    You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

    Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

    You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your
    pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first
    day.

    You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
    retirement.

    You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and
    you get ready for High School.

    You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have
    no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

    You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
    spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger
    quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

    I rest my case.
    Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: small government. Doing what Jesus asked: big government - Stephen Colbert

    Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. (Unknown)

  5. #695
    Looking for a way out Bubba-Jo-Lyn's Avatar
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    Church Humor

    A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd While
    facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

    ----------------------------------------------

    One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me!"
    ----------------------------------------------

    One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

    ----------------------------------------------

    A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a
    Better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
    ----------------------------------------------
    A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the
    way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
    One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

    ----------------------------------------------

    A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit".

    ----------------------------------------------

    The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
    preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
    Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly
    tripping before jerking it again.
    After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”
    Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: small government. Doing what Jesus asked: big government - Stephen Colbert

    Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. (Unknown)

  6. #696
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    The Blonde & The Coke Machine
    --------------------------------

    It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.

    And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

    And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #697
    Looking for a way out Bubba-Jo-Lyn's Avatar
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    Golden Telephone

    An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
    world.

    So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that
    he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

    On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
    noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
    "$10,000 per call".

    The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by
    what the telephone was used for.

    The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
    $10,000 you could talk to God.

    The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

    Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
    same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

    He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando
    and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

    She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
    he could talk to God.

    "O.K., thank you," said the American.

    He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston
    and New York.

    In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same
    "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

    The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to Canada
    to see if Canadians had the same phone.

    He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there
    was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40
    cents per call."

    The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
    "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden
    telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to
    Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

    Why is it so cheap here?"

    The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now, son - it's a
    local call".
    Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: small government. Doing what Jesus asked: big government - Stephen Colbert

    Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. (Unknown)

  8. #698
    Looking for a way out Bubba-Jo-Lyn's Avatar
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    A Little Redneck Humour

    Bobby Jon's 21-one-year-old, unmarried daughter tells her parents she
    thinks she is expecting.

    Very worried, they go to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy kit.

    The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and
    crying, Bobby Jon says, "Who 'dat pig what did you like 'dis? I want to
    know! I gonna kill that varmit"

    The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

    Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of Bobby Jon's house. A
    mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a
    very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.

    He sits in the living room with Bobby Jon, the mother and the girl and
    tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
    I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
    responsibility.

    "If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse,
    a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

    If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
    $2,000,000 bank account.

    If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
    miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

    At this point, Bobby Jon, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
    on the man's shoulder and tells him,

    "'Den you try agin!"
    Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: small government. Doing what Jesus asked: big government - Stephen Colbert

    Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. (Unknown)

  9. #699
    Looking for a way out Bubba-Jo-Lyn's Avatar
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    Tickle Me Elmo

    There is a factory in Northern Minnesota that makes the Tickle Me
    Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Cathy
    is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day
    promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
    Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to
    rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and
    the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind
    schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself,
    so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the
    line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the
    factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the
    line stands Cathy surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a
    roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men
    watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
    around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
    between Elmo's legs .The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After
    several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches
    Cathy. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
    "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
    "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
    Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: small government. Doing what Jesus asked: big government - Stephen Colbert

    Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. (Unknown)

  10. #700
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Those are really funny Bubba-Jo-Lynn!

    Arkansas Scholars
    -----------------------------------
    Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)

    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed?
    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: What is a planet?
    A:A body of earth surrounded by sky.

    Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
    A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

    Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

    Q: What are steroids?
    A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A: Premature death.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A: Keep it in the cow.

    Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

    Q: What is the Fibula?
    A: A small lie

    Q: What does "varicose" mean?
    A: Nearby.

    Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
    A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

    Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
    A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q: What is a seizure?
    A: A Roman emperor.

    Q: What is a terminal illness?
    A: When you are sick at the airport

    Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
    A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

    Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    Q: What is a turbine?
    A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

    Q: What is a Hindu?
    A: It lays eggs.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

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