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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #61
    Bitchgoddess broken_pryncess's Avatar
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    Originally posted by glennajo


    Now I think maybe the cat is trying to tell me something.
    OMG! i had to go back and edit this joke to put in that cat!!! you had my husband and i just rolling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best .. "

  2. #62
    FORT Fogey joeguy's Avatar
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    a bear and a rabbit are going the the bathroom in the woods, the bear looks at the rabbit and asks" does shit stick to your fur?"
    "nope" replies the rabbit
    "great!!" says the bear and grabs the rabbit, wipes his butt and goes walking down the trail........

  3. #63
    Allez les Bleus! Zaius's Avatar
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    A pirate walks into a bar.. Bartender says "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your crotch." Pirate says "arrr, it's driving me nuts!"
    "The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy."
    -- Unknown

  4. #64
    FORT Fogey MollyRose's Avatar
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    A little girl comes home from her first day in second grade and tells her mother that she has learned how you get a baby. Her mom asks what exactly it is that she learned.

    The girl says "first the mommy and daddy take off all their clothes. Then the mommy puts the daddy's penis in her mouth, and that's how you get a baby!"

    The mother smiles and says "Honey, that's not how you get a baby.


    That's how you get JEWELRY."


  5. #65
    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    bumped for ROX
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

  6. #66
    Rox
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    thanks, Cali.. feel free do delete my other post

    One for wives and girlfriends...


    A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he
    went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his
    self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the
    way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

    The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a
    finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am
    the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a
    gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a
    sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me
    my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's
    going to dress me and comb my hair?"

    "The funeral director," said his wife.
    ...........
    "The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own."

  7. #67
    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    Love it
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

  8. #68
    Leo
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    Rox!

  9. #69
    FORT Fogey
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    This one is pretty funny:

    Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world.

    In a Tokyo hotel:
    Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
    person to do such a thing please do not read this notice.

    In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
    The lift is being fixed for the next day. During the time we
    regret that you will be unbearable.

    In a Leipzig elevator:
    Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

    In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
    To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
    should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
    wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national
    order.

    In a Paris hotel elevator:
    Please leave your values at the front desk.

    In a hotel in Athens:
    Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours
    of 9 and AM daily.

    In a Yugoslavian hotel:
    The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
    chambermaid.

    In a Japanese hotel:
    You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

    In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
    monastery:
    You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
    Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
    Thursday.

    In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
    Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
    boots of ascension.

    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
    Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

    On the menu of a Polish hotel:
    Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
    dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
    beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

    Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
    Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

    In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
    Drop your trousers here for best results.

    Outside a Paris dress shop:
    Dresses for street walking.

    In a Rhodes tailor shop:
    Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will execute
    customers in strict rotation.

    Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
    There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 5,000 Soviet
    Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over
    the past two years.

    A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
    It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
    people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
    together in one tent unless they are married with each
    other for the purpose.

    In a Zurich hotel:
    Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite
    sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for
    this purpose.

    In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
    Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.

    In a Rome laundry:
    Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a
    good time.

    Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
    Would you like to ride on your own ass?

    In a Swiss mountain inn:
    Special today -- no ice cream.

    In a Bangkok temple:
    It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as
    a man.

    In a Tokyo bar:
    Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

    In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
    We take your bags and send them in all directions.

    On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
    If this is your first visit to the USSR, then you are welcome to
    it.

    In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
    Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

    In a Budapest zoo:
    Please do no t feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
    give it to the guard on duty.

    In the office of a Roman doctor:
    Specialist in women and other diseases.

    In an Acapulco hotel:
    The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

    In a Tokyo shop:
    Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best
    in the long run.

    From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
    conditioner:
    Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
    room, please control yourself.

    From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
    When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet
    him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage
    then tootle him with vigor.

    Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
    - English well talking
    - Here speeching American

  10. #70
    I need to get out more bloonman's Avatar
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    Okay, here's a visual one from Easter. Enjoy.

    Attached Images Attached Images
    "I have abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a good fantasy." ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

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