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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #681
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    A tragedy, an accident, and a great loss

    George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."

    So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

    "No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."

    A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

    "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

    The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

    Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If Air Force One carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

    "Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

    "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #682
    Thinking femme fatale's Avatar
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    Good one, misskitty!

  3. #683
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    At dawn the telephone rings:

    "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

    "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

    "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot Died.

    "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

    "Si, Senor,that's the one."

    "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

    "From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"

    "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

    "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

    "Dead horse? What dead horse?"

    "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

    "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

    "Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

    "Are you insane? What water cart?"

    "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

    "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

    "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

    "What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!

    "Yes Senor Rod."

    "But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

    "For the funeral, Senor Rod."

    " WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

    "Your wife's, Senor Rod...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."


    SILENCE................... LONG SILENCE...............



    "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in BIG trouble!"
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #684
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery here early this morning.

    Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  5. #685
    Thinking femme fatale's Avatar
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    Hehe, as a Swede I must love jokes on the Norwegians. They have jokes on us as well...

  6. #686
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Newf: That is so bad, it's funny

    ------------

    Asian Lady

    There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

    One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

    The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

    The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store... because he spoke English.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #687
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
    "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
    "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
    "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."


  8. #688
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Dang it Unk, where did you get that photo of me?
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  9. #689
    Looking for a way out Bubba-Jo-Lyn's Avatar
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    A Little Hillbilly Help

    Two hillbillies walk into a bar.

    While having a shot of whiskey,

    they talk about their moonshine operation.

    Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,

    who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

    After a minute or so, it becomes apparent

    that she is in real distress.

    One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

    "Kin ya swallar?"

    The woman shakes her head no.

    "Kin ya breathe?"

    The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

    The hillbilly walks over to the woman,

    lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers

    and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

    The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and

    the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

    As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly

    walks slowly back to the bar.

    His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',

    but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
    Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: small government. Doing what Jesus asked: big government - Stephen Colbert

    Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies. (Unknown)

  10. #690
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    That was a great one!

    RETIREMENT
    ------------------------------------

    Working people always ask retired people what they do to make their
    days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and
    went to a small shop on Sansom Street. I was only in there for about 8
    minutes.

    When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up
    to him and said, "Come on Officer, how about giving a senior citizen a
    break?"

    He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
    He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
    worn tires.

    So I called him a piece of stinking dog poop. He finished
    the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he
    started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

    The more names I called him, the more tickets he wrote.
    Personally, I didn't really care.

    I came downtown by bus.

    I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
    It's important at my age.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

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