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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #671
    Premium Member DesertRose's Avatar
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    This had me on the floor (sorry, I work with languages)

    Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

    The winners are:
    1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
    2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
    3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
    4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
    5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
    6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
    7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
    8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
    9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
    10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
    11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
    12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
    13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
    14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
    15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
    16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

  2. #672
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Subject: Florida Alligator Precautions

    The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Alachua, Dixie, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.

    They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.

    They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

    It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.

    Young alligator droppings are small and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

    Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  3. #673
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE
    A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

    "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

    "No, I don't" she replied

    "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

    She didn't crack a smile.

    "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

    But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

    "What's so funny?" he asked.

    "I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    Delicate matter

    A married couple was in a terrible accident and the man's face was severely burned.

    The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

    The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

    One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

    My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  4. #674
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    DesertRose: HA HA HA HA
    Bbanbama
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #675
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Forrest Gump goes to Heaven............

    The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

    St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

    Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

    St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

    First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

    Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

    Third: What is God's first name?"

    Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

    Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

    The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

    "How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

    Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

    Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

    "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

    "Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

    "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

    "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

    "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

    St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."


    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  6. #676
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Happy Birthday Mr. President ..... Top 11 Bushisms

    The Value of Hard Work
    U.S. President George W. Bush, here on the golf course with his brother Jeb, really knows the value of hard work. When he's not ranching or golfing, he's congratulating American women on their agressive employment strategies. "You work three jobs? Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." -Bush speaking to a divorced mother of three.

    Yes, He Can Read
    Bush is an avid reader, preferring abstract and colourful literary works to the ho-hum of the daily news. "I mean, I read the newspaper. I mean, I can tell you what the headlines are. I must confess, if I think the story is, like, not a fair appraisal, I'll move on. But I know what the story's about."

    He Knows His Geography
    "I believe that a prosperous, democratic Pakistan will be a steadfast partner for America, a peaceful neighbor for India, and a force for freedom and moderation in the Arab world." Bush, with Pakistan Cricket Board Chairman Shahryar Khan and young cricketers, mistakenly identified Pakistan as an
    Arab country.

    C is for Cookie
    "So for the students here, take heart in this concept. He gets a Ph.D. I get Cs. I'm the President and he's the advisor." Bush underscores the education gap between himself and a professor/advisor while discussing Social Security at a college campus.

    Poor Baby!
    "I'm going to spend a lot of time on Social Security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess it's the Mother in me." Bush pledged not to touch the Social Security surplus in 2001. A year later nearly $1.4 trillion US was diverted from Social Security funds to other purposes.

    Say What?
    "Who could have possibly envisioned an erection — an election in Iraq at this point in history?" Let's hope Bush didn't repeat his blunder when he called to congratulate Mahmoud Abbas on his victory in the Palestinian presidential election.

    Nice Catch
    When asked by a German newspaper what his best moment in office was, the U.S. president replies that "the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake."

    Breakin' a Sweat
    On how rebuilding New Orleans should commence, Doctor Obvious told reporters, "My thoughts are, we're going to get somebody who knows what they're talking about when it comes to rebuilding cities."

    What About Us?
    "After all, Europe is America's closest ally." Actually, we are! Bush thanks his true closest allies in Halifax for welcoming U.S. citizens into their homes when their airplanes were diverted to the area amid the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

    Just Like Your Ego
    "Wow! Brazil is big." The remarks of a surprised U.S. president after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva at the Blue Tree Park Hotel in Brasilia.

    Brokeback Bush
    "I like my buddies from west Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president." The ever eloquent president drives his pickup truck to his Crawford, Texas ranch.
    Last edited by misskitty; 07-08-2006 at 01:09 AM.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #677
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Southern Grandma

    Lawyers should never ask a Southern Grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

    She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked , "Mrs . Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

    She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

    The defense attorney almost died.

    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you "idiots" asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

    Since I work for an attorney I found this quite funny!!!
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  8. #678
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Work Vs Prison
    -------------------------
    Just in case you ever get the two mixed up, this should make things a bit
    more clear . . .

    IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
    AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8cubicle.

    IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
    AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

    IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
    AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior

    IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

    IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
    AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

    IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
    AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

    IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
    AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

    IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
    AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

    IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
    AT WORK...they are called "supervisors".
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  9. #679
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    THE PERFECT DRESS

    Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
    excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had
    found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
    mother-of-the-bride ever!

    A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
    young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer
    asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I
    look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she
    replied.

    Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart.
    I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

    A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous
    dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't
    you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
    occasion where you could wear it."

    Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing
    it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  10. #680
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
    AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

    2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
    Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

    3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
    An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

    4. THE GETAWAY!
    A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

    5. DID I SAY THAT???
    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

    6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
    A man spoke frantically into the phone:
    "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart".
    "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
    "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

    7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
    In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

    8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
    Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.

    It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.

    A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.

    The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

    (NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.)

    Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

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