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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #661
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    POTATO PROSTITUTES

    Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.

    How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

    It's the one with the little sticker that says...

    I - DA - HO



    This is one of those jokes that, for me, tickled my funny bone and I laughed about it all day long!!!
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  2. #662
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Mischief: That is funny........but ooooooooo. Scary too!

    Bbnbama: too funny!
    -------------------------
    Here's a few one-liners:

    How do you catch a unique rabbit?
    Unique up on it.

    How do you catch a tame rabbit?
    Tame way, unique up on it.

    How do you get Holy Water?
    You boil the Hell out of it.

    What do Fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
    Dam!

    What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
    Polaroid's

    What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
    A stick.

    What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
    Nacho cheese.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #663
    OOOOOOO SPARKLEY mischief4911's Avatar
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    "YOU BREATH THE SAME AIR THE BILLIONAIRES DO" Russell Simmons

    "We make a living from what we get, but we make a life from what we give." Winston Chruchill

  4. #664
    OOOOOOO SPARKLEY mischief4911's Avatar
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    For some reason the link for this video in the above post isn't working (says it was moved), but this one even though it reads the same is working. The other one still works.






    http://www.holylemon.com/DanceThruTime.html
    "YOU BREATH THE SAME AIR THE BILLIONAIRES DO" Russell Simmons

    "We make a living from what we get, but we make a life from what we give." Winston Chruchill

  5. #665
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    http://www.koreus.com/media/men-in-coats.html

    Funny act..need to have sound!
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  6. #666
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
    One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
    The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey!"
    The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....



    MOLASSES!

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  7. #667
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    That's too cute Bbnbama!

    Little David
    ---------------
    Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the
    children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up --
    fireman, policeman ,etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and
    so the teacher asked him about his father.

    "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
    in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out
    to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
    children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask
    him, "Is that really true about your father?"

    "No," said David,

    "He plays for the Calgary Flames , but I was too embarrassed to say that
    in front of the other kids."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #668
    FORT Fogey Muduh's Avatar
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    Okay, you all, just stay with me for a while. I think you'll like this, or not.

    Yesterday we were eating lunch at Bob Evans and I had my back to the crowd. My husband said "here comes a guy with a hamburger on his head". I just had to whip my head around to check that out and then I informed my husband that he was wrong. It was a cheeseburger. Couldn't he see the felt cheese hanging over the guys left ear? It was a large, felt cheeseburger and went well with the rest of his ensemble. He wore really baggy olive color pants, a loud hawaiian shirt and Harley Davidson suspenders. In his shirt pocket he had a fork with a telescoping handle which he took out and selected tidbits from plates in about four surrounding booths. He was with a tour group and they were a very colorful, and loud, lot. He announced that they were going to see Elvis.

    In the booth behind me they seated an older local couple. My husband told me that a guy who used to be on the public tv station was behind me. I turned to look and he was a guy who used to have a magic act on a tv station here. My kids grew up watching him.

    Well, about this time, he started doing magic tricks for everyone and Cheeseburger guy started telling jokes. I told my husband that I never expected a floor show at Bob Evans.

    Sooooo, here's one of cheeseburger guy's jokes.

    An older couple was out driving on the Expressway and they saw a small sign that said TAKE EX-LAX. THEY MAKE YOU FEEL YOUNGER.

    A few miles down the road, they saw a slightly larger sign with the same announcement on it.

    A few more miles and they saw a billboard with the message. The next exit they saw, they pulled off, went to a drugstore and bought two boxes of Ex-lax. One for him and one for her. They drove on, and munched on their Ex-lax. After a while the old lady asked her husband if he felt any younger yet. His reply was "no, but I just did a VERY childish thing".

  9. #669
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Mudah: Oh NO! How embarassing!
    -------------
    I got this one from my Dad.

    The Advanced C-Nile Virus:
    I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1970.

    Symptoms:

    1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done That!

    2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That Too!

    3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!

    4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Who Me?

    5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well Darn!

    6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh No - Not Again!

    7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." I Just Hate That!

    8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
    Oh No!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #670
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Birds and Bees - Modern Version

    A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
    The father answers:
    "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
    "Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then, we set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

    "We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download
    from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
    neither one of us had used a firewall.
    "And since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a
    little Pop-Up appeared that said:

    "You got Male."

    ...Ok, stop your groaning..you know you laughed when you read it....
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

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