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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #651
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    A woman complained to her husband that he never got her anything for her birthday, so on her next birthday he got her a cemetery plot. She thought it was kind of odd, but thanked him for it. The next year came around and he didn't get her anything. When she asked why, he said, "Because you didn't use what I got you last year."
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  2. #652
    FORT Fogey PGM35's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lildago View Post
    I got this e-mail today and thought I'd share it. My fellow Italian FORTers will relate!

    Italian Families
    I had received an email like this one for Mexicans a long time ago and just did a search on the internet to find one - it's similar but a little different than what I remembered. Hopefully this doesn't offend anyone! I'm Mexican and most of these are true.

    You Know You're Mexican When...
    You have ever been hit by a chancla.

    You grew up scared by something called "El Cucuy."

    Others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking.

    You light a candle on the night of the Lotto drawing.

    You use your lips to point something out.

    You constantly refer to cereal as "con fleis".

    Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner even if it's a one bedroom apartment.

    You can dance ranchera, cumbia or salsa without music.

    You use "manteca" (lard) instead of olive oil and can't figure out why your butt is getting bigger.

    You call your sneakers "tenees".

    You have at least thirty cousins.

    You can't imagine anyone not liking spicy food.

    You are in a 5-passenger car with 7 people in it and a person shouting "subanse, todavia caben".

    Whenever you feel under the weather, you compulsively dab on some "Vics" vapor rub all over your chest and inside your nostrils.

    Your mom packs your "lonchera" everyday.

    You or someone you know uses "Tres Flores" in their hair.

    Tamales, champurrado, posole and menudo are must haves on Thanksgiving.

    There is more Budweiser than punch at little Juanito's birthday party.

    There is at least one member in your family name Maria, Guadalupe, Juan, Jose, or Jesus.

    Everyone still thinks Cesar Chavez is the best boxer even if he lost against Oscar De La Hoya.

    You've gone to the Pulgamarket every weekend for years.

    You step into a house that has all those little figurines taking up every inch of space on/under the TV.

    You have a porcelain cat, dog, Buddha, or elephant in your living room.

    You have plastic slipcovers on your sofas.

    You swear "Choco Mil" is the same as Slim Fast and try to lose weight by drinking it.

    You have a drunk uncle/aunt.

    You're still afraid to open that umbrella in your house.

    You not only know who Don Francisco from Sabado Gigante is, but you tell people he's your tio.

    Your mother, tia or hermana's hair is blackcherry, "Sun in" red or a burgundy that would make Celia Cruz jealous.

    You always try to find out what town another fellow Latino's family is from.

    You have ever had to "beepiar" a friend on their pager.

    You wear your Sunday best to do laundry at the laundrymat and go grocery shopping.

    You have told your kid not to walk the floor barefoot or they'll catch a cold.

    You go to a wedding or Quiencienera, gossip about how bad the comida is, but be the first to take a plato to go.

    You have a bottle of Tapatio in your purse.

    Your cousins are delinquents / hootchies.

    You have a chola in your barrio named "La Flaca" who's bigger than a house.

    You think Cristina trumps Oprah any day.

    You have a cousin named "Guero" who's darker than night.

    You know a chola named "La Shy Girl" who is loud and obnoxious.

    You need to point out how much something you just bought cost.

    You go to a white friends house for dinner and don't understand the concept of sitting at a table.

    You've tried to bring a mango back to the US from Mexico, and a bonus point if you actually made it all the way home with it.

    You have a bottle of Bacardi or Tequila in your house right now.

    You drive a "Cheby", an "Ohsmobeel" or a "Bolswahgon"

    You're proud to be Mexican - and you pass these jokes on to all your Mexican friends!

    The one I remembered talked about having a birthday party and 3 or 4 cousins show up to share it b/c their birthdays are in the same month.
    Also, more adults are at the parties than kids, and there are kids there that are dropped off and the parents take a plate to go.

    I wish I remembered more cuz they were pretty funny.

  3. #653
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Happy Men

    Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

    You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

    You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles and gray hair add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.

    People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected, as is the fart. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet and we just buy them. We don't try on 20 different pairs before buying one pair. One mood all of the time.

    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase, sometimes none! You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

    You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life.

    Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

    No wonder men are happier.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #654
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Nun in Hooters

    A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

    Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

    She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

    "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came backout, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

    She went to the bartender and said, "Sir , I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

    "Well, now they know you're one of us, "said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

    "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

    "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out.

    Now, how about that drink?!!

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
    for lunch. After finishing their meal they left the restaurant and resumed
    their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. She didn't miss them until after they had been driving for about 20 minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return
    to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

    All the way back the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for one minute. To her relief they finally arrived at the
    restaurant.

    As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.......

    "While you're in there you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  5. #655
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Don't know if in your area stickers on your car window are popular or not...here we have various sports stickers, sometimes with the kids name on them or not and etc. I have a baseball sticker on my back window (along with my Bo Bice Rocks and Soul Patrol stickers!) but someone passed along this picture to me the other day in an email of a sticker on someone's car...not sure if its real or not but I found it quite amusing!!!

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  6. #656
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    Teacher Arrested

    At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

    At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

    "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.

    They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  7. #657
    FORT Fogey Pyramid Solitaire by Disney's Tangled Champion combatcutie's Avatar
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    Why I fired my Secretary





    Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that> morning
    > I went downstairs for breakfast
    > hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
    > "Happy Birthday!"
    > and possibly have a small present for me.
    > As it turned out,
    > she barely said good morning,
    > let alone "Happy Birthday."
    > I thought...
    > Well, that's marriage for you,
    > but the kids....
    > They will remember.
    > My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
    > and didn't say a word.
    > So when I left for the office,
    > I felt pretty low
    > and somewhat despondent.
    > As I walked into my office,
    > my secretary Jane said,
    > "Good Morning Boss,
    > and by the way
    > Happy Birthday ! "
    > It felt a little better
    > that at least someone had remembered.
    > I worked until one o'clock ,
    > when Jane knocked on my door
    > and said, "You know,
    > It's such a beautiful day outside,
    > and it is your Birthday,
    > what do you say we go out to lunch,
    > just you and me."
    > I said, "Thanks, Jane,
    > that's the greatest thing
    > I've heard all day.
    > Let's go !"
    > We went to lunch.
    > But we didn't go
    > where we normally would go.
    > She chose instead at a quite bistro
    > with a private table.
    > We had two martinis each
    > and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
    > On the way back to the office,
    > Jane said, "You know,
    > It's such a beautiful day...
    > We don't need to go straight back to the office,
    > Do We ?"
    > I responded, "I guess not.
    > What do you have in mind ?"
    > She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
    > it's just around the corner."
    > After arriving at her apartment,
    > Jane turned to me and said,
    > " Boss, if you don't mind,
    > I'm going to step into the bedroom
    > for just a moment.
    > I'll be right back."
    > "Ok." I nervously replied.
    > She went into the bedroom and,
    > after a couple of minutes, she came out
    > carrying a huge birthday cake ...
    > Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends
    > and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
    > And I just sat there...
    > On the couch...




    > Naked.
    I can only please one person a day, today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either

  8. #658
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    That's funny combatcutie!
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  9. #659
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Those are all great you guys!!

    A Man Goes To Victoria's Secret

    A man goes to Victoria's Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind nthe counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says.

    "I want one that's more sheer," says he.

    "This one is $350."

    "I want it even more sheer than that."

    "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."

    "I'll take it!"

    The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

    His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

    So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

    "So, how do you like it?" she asks.

    Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing!"
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #660
    OOOOOOO SPARKLEY mischief4911's Avatar
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    This is both funny and a little disturbing......

    http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

    Oh yeah make sure you have you sound on :smile
    Last edited by mischief4911; 06-08-2006 at 04:06 AM.
    "YOU BREATH THE SAME AIR THE BILLIONAIRES DO" Russell Simmons

    "We make a living from what we get, but we make a life from what we give." Winston Chruchill

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