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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #641
    FORT Fogey CantGetNuf's Avatar
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    The aide at the nursing home was making her rounds when she walked into Joes room. Joe was sitting on the end of his bed with his arms up like hes driving a car. "Joe what are you doing?" she asks. "I'm going on a road trip to Vegas." The aide laughs and tells him to have a good time and drive safely. She then procedes to Bills room. There Bill is sittiing on the end of his bed masturbateing. Shocked she asks "Bill what are you doing?" "I'm having an affair with Joes wife while he's in Vegas."

  2. #642
    *I Love Chad* SentFromHeaven's Avatar
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    A bear was chasing a rabbit through the woods. The bear was gaining on the rabbit, despite the little creature trying every trick in the book to escape, when suddenly they came upon a genie in a forest clearing.
    "Seeing as you both found me, you may each have three wishes." The bear grinned.
    "I wish all the bears in this forest were female, except me of course."
    The genie nodded. The rabbit piped up.
    "I wish for a motorcycle." A rabbit-sized motorbike appeared next to the rabbit. The bear snorted at the stupidity of the wish, before another thought occurred to him.
    "I wish all the bears in the country were female, except me!"
    The genie nodded. The rabbit poked his nose in. "I wish that this motorbike will never run out of fuel." The genie nodded. The bear eyeballed the rabbit. "I wish all the bears in the world, except me, were female." The rabbit grinned, leapt onto his motorbike, gunned the engine and shouted, as he disappeared in a cloud of smoke,
    "I wish the bear was gay!"

    Check out my avatar It's Chad Michael Murray!

  3. #643
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Good ones you guys!

    HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN & BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
    ------------------------------------------------------

    1. She is not a "BABE" or "CHICK" - She's a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

    2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

    3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

    4. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

    5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

    6. She is not an "AIR HEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

    7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

    8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

    9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

    10 She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

    11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

    12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She's a "LOW COST PROVIDER"
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #644
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    --------------------------------

    Jessica Simpson 's Answer:- Why would he be on a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?

    Homer Simpson 's Answer:-There was free beer on the other side of the road.

    Bill Cosby 's Answer: - Weeelll, ya see, the chicken crossed the road, and to get... to...the jello pudding pops.

    Snoop Dogg 's Answer: - This (censored) fool of a chicken didn't (censored) know what the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin'.

    Linda Tripp 's Answer: - "I've been friends with this chicken for a long time. I only recorded the chicken's crossing of the road because it was important for the country to know what was going on Pennsylvania Ave."

    Isaac Newton 's Answer: - The duck suggested to the chicken that they play
    follow the leader then the duck crossed the road causing the chicken to cross after it, but at the same time holding up traffic, thus proving that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction .

    Shakespeare 's Answer: - To cross or not to cross, that is the question.

    Rene Descartes 's Answer: - Since the chicken does not really exist it was only an illusion that the chicken crossed the road. This illusion was only in my mind. Therefore I created the chicken that crossed the road.

    Ken Lay's Answer: - I was not aware of the chicken's crossing the road or of any accounting tricks used by Enron to disguise the chicken's true position.

    John Kerry's Answer: - I agree that the chicken should cross the road, but I believe that the chicken should not get to the other side..

    Pete Rose 's Answer: - I don't know, but I swear I didn't bet on it.

    Gandhi 's Answer: - All chickens should peacefully resist by crossing the road.

    Steve Jobs 's (Apple) Answer: - Because of the brand-new iChicken- a portable device that crosses roads, lays eggs, gives wakeup calls and provides dinner, automatically. This amazing device can simply plug in to the $4000 iCoop to produce additional iChickens and recharge existing iChickens, or plug it into the $9000 iChop to convert iChicken files into iFood. iFood-to-Regular Food converters sell for an additional $50/month fee, however the optional iFood-to-FoodXP converter is still in development. iChickens are only available from authorized iDealers, which can be found in nearly every US state. If your iChicken develops a disease or stops working, you must send it by FedEx Overnight to Littleton, Montana and our iTechnicians will send you a replacement within 3 months. The iChicken. Wow.

    Colin Powell 's Answer: - This is not about whether inspectors made sure the chicken crossed the road, it's about the willingness of the chicken to cross the road voluntarily.

    Darwin's Answer: - It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

    Another Answer: - Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

    (former) Iraq Information Minister: - There is no such chicken trying to cross the road, and there never has been any such chicken.

    Moses's Answer: - And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

    David Hume's Answer: - Out of custom and habit.

    Douglas Adams's Answer: - Forty-two.

    Epicurus's Answer: - For fun.

    Henry David Thoreau's Answer: - To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

    Hippocrates's Answer: - Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

    Howard Cosell's Answer: - It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homosapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

    Jack Nicholson's Answer: - 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

    John Sununu 's Answer: - The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

    Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe's Answer: - The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

    Johnny Cochran 's Answer: - Because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit.

    Machiavelli's Answer: - The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

    Another Answer: - So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, or whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained

    Arthur Andersen Consultant's Answer: - Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
    physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impact environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

    Mark Twain's Answer: - The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

    Ralph Waldo Emerson's Answer:- It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

    Salvador Dali 's Answer: - The Fish.

    Secretary Cheney's Answer: - Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't needm help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

    Senator Lieberman's Answer: - I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.

    The Sphinx's Answer: - You tell me.

    Neil Armstrong's Answer: - To go where no chicken has gone before.

    Another Answer: - That's one small step for Chicken, one giant leap for Chicken kind.

    Thomas de Torquemada's Answer: - Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

    Timothy Leary's Answer: - Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

    George Bush's Answer: - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

    Al Gore's Answer: - I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

    Another Answer:n - I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them

    Bill Gates' Answer: - I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

    Martha Stewart's Answer: - No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

    Dr. Seuss' Answer: - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

    Ernest Hemingway's Answer: - To die. In the rain. Alone.

    Martin Luther King Jr's Answer: - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

    Grandpa's Answer: - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

    Barbara Walters' Answer: - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
    life-long dream of crossing the road.

    Ralph Nader's Answer: - The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been pollutedby unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

    Another Answer:-Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to
    create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing
    there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with
    chickens.

    Jerry Seinfield's Answer: - Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

    Pat Buchanan's Answer: - To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

    Rush Limbaugh's Answer: - I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

    Jerry Falwell's Answer: - Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side.".

    John Lennon's Answer: - Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

    Aristotle's Answer: - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    Another Corporate Answer: - To actualize it’s potential.

    Karl Marx's Answer: - It was a historical inevitability.

    Saddam Hussein's Answer: - This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

    Voltaire's Answer: - I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

    Captain Kirk's Answer: - To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

    Fox Mulder's Answer: - You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

    Scully's Answer: - It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

    Bill Clinton's Answer: - I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

    Another Answer:- I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

    The Bible's Answer:- And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

    Albert Einstein's Answer: - Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    Another Answer: - Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

    Sigmund Freud's Answer: - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

    L.A.P.D.'s Answer: - Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

    Richard Nixon's Answer: - The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

    Another Answer: - I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

    Buddha's Answer: - If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

    Joseph Stalin's Answer: - I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

    Carl Jung's Answer: - The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

    Louis Farrakhan's Answer: - The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

    John Locke's Answer: - Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

    Albert Camus' Answer: - It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

    Oliver Stone's Answer: - The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

    Another Answer: - National Security was at stake

    The Pope's Answer: - That is only for God to know.

    Immanuel Kant's Answer: - chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

    Another Answer: - The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history

    MC. Escher's Answer: - That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

    George Orwell's Answer: - Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

    Plato's Answer:- For the greater good.

    Nietzsche's Answer:- Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

    B.F. Skinner's Answer: - Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.

    Jean-Paul Sartre's Answer: - In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

    Emily Dickenson's Answer: - Because it could not stop for death.

    O.J. Simpson's Answer:- It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

    Ken Starr's Answer: - I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America, in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road, until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations, have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.).

    Colonel Sanders' Answer:- I missed one?
    Last edited by misskitty; 04-30-2006 at 02:39 AM.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #645
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    10 Things Mom Would Never Say
    -------------------------------------------------------

    "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

    "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

    "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

    "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

    "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

    "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

    "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

    "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

    "You should get another tattoo to match that one."

    "I think a shorter skirt and higher heels would be more appropriate."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  6. #646
    FORT Fogey Add It Up Champion famita's Avatar
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    A woman's 50th birthday was coming up and she told her husband that she didn't want a mixer or vaccuum cleaner or anything else like that. She demanded that he'd better give her something that went from 0-200 in a few seconds or else.

    On her birthday, her husband gave her a scale.

    She now visits his gravesite.

  7. #647
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    The Family of Potatoes
    -------------------------------------------
    One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."

    "And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.

    "Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"

    The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"

    "I'm marrying a Russet!"

    "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

    As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."

    "And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.

    Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

    "You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"

    "I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.

    "An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

    Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."

    "Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

    "Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

    "Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"

    "I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"

    "Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
    Last edited by misskitty; 05-13-2006 at 02:17 AM.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #648
    FORT Newbie Caeryn23's Avatar
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    A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".
    Last edited by Caeryn23; 05-13-2006 at 08:40 PM.

  9. #649
    Leave No Trace ADKLove's Avatar
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    A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some
    "Polish Sausage." The
    clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"

    The guy, clearly offended, says," Well, yes I am.
    But let me ask you
    something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would
    you ask me if I was Italian?

    Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask
    me if I was German?

    Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you
    ask me if I was Jewish?

    Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I
    was Mexican?

    Would ya, huh? Would Ya?"

    The clerk says, "Well no"

    "And if I asked you for some Irish whiskey, would
    you ask me if I was Irish?

    What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was
    Canadian?"

    "Well, I probably wouldn't,"

    With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all
    right then, why did you ask
    me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish
    Sausage?"

    The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
    Love many, trust a few, and always paddle your own canoe

  10. #650
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    ADK Love. I just got the "same" joke as a Blonde Ukrainian one. We could put them together for a real dilly of a joke!
    --------------------
    A blonde went to the store to buy some garlic sausage.

    She went up to the counter and said, "I'd like to buy some Ukrainian
    garlic sausage please, how much is it?"

    The server behind the counter replied, "I have to ask ma'am, are you
    Ukrainian?"

    The blonde got upset and responded, "You wouldn't ask a person if
    they were Italian, if they wanted Italian sausage, would you? And
    I'm sure you wouldn't ask someone if they were Swiss, just because
    they wanted to buy Swiss cheese! And would you honestly ask a person
    if they were Swedish if they asked for Swedish meatballs? I don't
    think so! So why are you asking me if I'm Ukrainian?"

    The clerk answered "I'm sorry ma'am, I didn't mean to offend
    you. But this is the 'Home Depot'! "
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

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