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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #621
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Grrroooooooann
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #622
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Another Blond Joke

    A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

    After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in
    the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

    Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
    cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

    The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end
    of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

    The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

    She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

    The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #623
    Caged Maveno's Avatar
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    Three Guys in a Cave

    A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, the blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said "Let's kick his ass!"
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  4. #624
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
    Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and slightly rolled
    Down the car windows to make sure my
    Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

    And I wanted to impress upon her that she must
    Remain there. I walked to the curb backward,
    Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
    "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
    "Stay! Stay!"

    The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
    Gave me a strange look and said,
    "Why don't you just put it in park?"

  5. #625
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  6. #626
    Caged Maveno's Avatar
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    I love the smoking, sock carny.. bbnbama!!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral"

    She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

    The bank manager looks back at her and says...

    "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

    Hehe..
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  7. #627
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Good Jokes you guys!

    Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working
    under your vehicle...

    From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a

    Crestview couple who drove their car to Sears, only to have
    their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry
    on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife
    returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
    closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
    chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
    turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand
    the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand
    UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her
    feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her
    husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to
    have three stitches in his forehead.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #628
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    I got this e-mail today and thought I'd share it. My fellow Italian FORTers will relate!

    Italian Families

    You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every day for an entire year after a funeral.

    You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch was pronounced "sangwich."

    Your family dog understood Italian.

    Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents and extended family.

    You've experienced the phenomenon of 150 people fitting into 50 square feet of yard during a family cookout.

    You were surprised to discover the FDA recommended you eat three meals a day, not seven.

    You ate pasta for dinner at least three nights a week and every Sunday.

    You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price and that the price of everything was negotiable through haggling.

    You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

    You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

    You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.

    You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the ankles.

    You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in stores.

    You never ate meat on Christmas Eve or any Friday for that matter.

    You ate your salad after the main course.

    You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.

    You were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon.

    You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your left hand.

    You learned to play bocce before you went to school.

    You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.

    You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.

    You grew up calling the bathroom "baccausa"...and you only had one.

    You were surprised to learn that most kitchen utensils had another name which didn't end in a vowel.

    All of your uncles fought in a World War.

    You have at least six male relatives named Tony, Frankie, Joey, or Louie.

    You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.

    You have relatives you don't speak to.

    You drank wine before you were a teenager.

    You relate on some level, admit it, to The Godfather and The Sopranos.

    You grew up in a house that didn't have one patch of dirt without a flower or vegetable growing out of it.

    Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on plastic. Wait! You were sitting on plastic!

    You thought that talking loud was normal.

    You thought that cookie cakes and the Tarantella were common at all weddings.

    You thought everyone got pinched on cheeks and money stuffed in their pockets by relatives.

    Your mother is overprotective of males in the family no matter what their age.

    Every lunch meat you ate ended with a vowel.

    There was a crucifix in every room of the house, including the cellar.

    There was a saint somewhere in the yard.

    Boys didn't do housework because it was women's work.

    You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your father.

    You know what lemon ice is.

    Your Christmas tree was silver.

    You called pasta "macaroni."

    You have at least one irrational fear or phobia that can be attributed to your mother.
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

  9. #629
    MRD
    MRD is offline
    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
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    Sent this to an Italian friend of mine who I grew up with and she said that it applies about 90% to her life! She was one of 8 kids, so she said the one bathroom thing was HARD! LOL
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  10. #630
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Oh my gosh....how funny was that lildago....! I'm not Italian but all thru high school and after I hung out with an Italian family and spent many many hours/days/nights there and even I can vouch for the majority of that being true!! Bless their hearts...she was a Catholic Italian girl from New York who met and fell in love with a Church of Christ boy from Alabama...they got married (much to the dismay of both sides of the family in the beginning), she moved to Alabama, they had 4 kids (3 girls and one very spoiled boy who was overprotected and sheltered by his mom!) and were married for 56 years until she passed away this past September....there was always something going on at their house....every Sunday I was at her house, we were constantly eating, talking loud, Lucy (the Italian) had a brother Joey, Frankie and a sister Joanna, she taught me to use a wooden spoon to pop someone if they were acting up (came in handy with my son a few times!), I learned some great cuss words in Italian (that still come in handy to this day!) and I'll be damned if she didn't have a silver Christmas tree for the longest too. God bless her husband who allowed all that crazy Italian-ness to carry on in his house...that house was filled with lots of love. I miss Lucy....I'm gonna print your post lildago and forward to her kids...they'll get a big kick out of it!
    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

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