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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #611
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Euro-English
    ----------------------------------

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

    IN THE FIRST YEAR, "S" WILL REPLACE THE SOFT "C."
    Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

    THE HARD "C" WILL BE DROPPED IN FAVOUR OF "K."
    This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #612
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    Priests On Vacation

    Two priests decided to go to Hawaiian vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

    As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

    As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them then passed on by.

    They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could HEAR them before you even saw them. Once again the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

    After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute, young lady."

    Yes?" she replied.

    "We ARE priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in he world did you KNOW we are priests, dressed as we are?"

    "Father," she replied, "it's me, Sister Mary Francis."

  3. #613
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    That's funny POM!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  4. #614
    nesting Kennedy's Avatar
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    Good one Pomeraniac!
    home at last

  5. #615
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth was a Government Worker.

    To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, T-square, do your stuff. T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

    Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

    But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.

    Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

    Everyone agreed that was good.

    But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Measure, do your stuff.

    Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.

    Everyone agreed that was good.

    Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, What can your cat do?

    The Government Worker called to his cat and said, Coffee Break, do your stuff.

    Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  6. #616
    Here's your sign JAFO'S PRINCESS's Avatar
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    I might as well work. I'm in a bad mood anyway.
    "I like to base my help on how happy you expect to be." Dogbert's tech support.

  7. #617
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    misskitty! That's a really good one!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

    After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

    The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

    The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
    The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

    The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
    The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

    "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

    "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

    "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

    That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that , checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

    The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

    The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

    The president was happy to oblige.

    The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

    The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  8. #618
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    For those with a warped sense of humor......









    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  9. #619
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Maveno That is funny! What a granny... I like her

    Bbnbama Those a really great. Ding Dong envy. Brush with death!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #620
    FORT Fogey
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    DANG! I meant to post this yesterday. It's that time of year when I remember the one and only joke I was able to remember when I was young, so here it is:

    WHAT IS A SOLDIER'S LEAST FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR??


















    MARCH FORTH!!!!

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