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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #601
    Thinking femme fatale's Avatar
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    I hope not to offend any blondes but I got a really funny joke from my mum:

    A blonde calls her boyfriends and says: "Can you come over and help me? I'm doing a big jigsaw puzzle and can't figure out how it's done." Her boyfriend asks: "what is it supposed to be?". The blonde says that the picture on the box says that it's going to be a rooster.

    The boyfriend decided to help her and goes to her apartment. She lets him in and shows him all the pieces. He looks at them for a while and then at the box. He then tells her: "First of all, it doesn't matter what we do, we will never be able to assembly those pieces to something that looks like a rooster." He takes her hand a continues :"Lets get a cup of coffee and then *sigh* we'll put all of those Corn Flakes back in the box."

    I thought it was pretty funny. I hope it makes sense, I made a quick translation from Swedish.

    And BTW, this is my 200th post!

  2. #602
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    femmefatale Isn't is amazing how the same joke can go around the world and still be funny? See my post #590. The same but used the picture of a Tiger and Frosted Flakes. The rooster and Corn Flakes works too
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #603
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    Quote Originally Posted by misskitty View Post
    femmefatale Isn't is amazing how the same joke can go around the world and still be funny? See my post #590. The same but used the picture of a Tiger and Frosted Flakes. The rooster and Corn Flakes works too
    Maybe I should have a better look around before I post.

  4. #604
    FORT Fan KimFan101's Avatar
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    Yours Till

    Yours till Potato chips.
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    Yours till The pencil case is solved.

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  5. #605
    Here's your sign JAFO'S PRINCESS's Avatar
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    Newest hated co-worker just asked me about an order from a firefighter in Colorado. She told me that when he calls back she is going to ask him if he works with "that Ryan guy from the bachelorette" cause he's hot. Yeah, you do that d$mb$ss.
    I might as well work. I'm in a bad mood anyway.
    "I like to base my help on how happy you expect to be." Dogbert's tech support.

  6. #606
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JafosPrincess
    Yeah, you do that d$mb$ss.
    You say the darndest things.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  7. #607
    Here's your sign JAFO'S PRINCESS's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by misskitty View Post

    You say the darndest things.
    I am just in shock that she said that and was SERIOUS!!! And the boss heard her! Hello!
    I might as well work. I'm in a bad mood anyway.
    "I like to base my help on how happy you expect to be." Dogbert's tech support.

  8. #608
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Jokes about Cheney

    I know this is a serious event, however, these are too good to ingore!
    --------------------------------------

    LOS ANGELES (AP) - Television talk shows took aim Monday at Vice President Dick Cheney's accidental weekend shooting in Texas of a hunting companion. Here are a few of the jokes.

    ``Late Show with David Letterman,'' CBS:

    ``Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney.''

    ``But here is the sad part - before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor.''

    ``We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney.''

    ``The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet.''

    ``The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,'' NBC:

    ``Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C., Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear.

    ``That's the big story over the weekend. ... Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent.''

    ``I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'''

    ``Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!''

    ``The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,'' Comedy Central:
    ``Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.''

    ``Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted - it's just not worth it.''

    ``Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson,'' CBS:``He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can use his other face. He'll be all right.''

    ``You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.

    ``The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for 18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep.''

    ``Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the past.''
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  9. #609
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Count Dracula is on the pull in London. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here.

    A few yards further on and ... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again!

    He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!

    A few yards further along the street and .... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!!

    He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

    He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle.

    On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who are you?"

    She replies : "Buffet, the vampire slayer."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #610
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