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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #591
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maveno View Post
    I can never make gabriel happy.


    {{kicking dirt}}


    Maveno- just being there and being you makes me happy.
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  2. #592
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gabriel View Post
    Maveno- just being there and being you makes me happy.
    Peshaw! Stop it youuuu! Youuu..youuuu.. big lug! Gettin' me all misty eyed over here. {sniff}


    One day a lawyer died and found herself at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?" The woman answered, "I was a Hollywood divorce lawyer."

    Nodding ominously, St. Peter asked, "What have you done to earn an eternal reward in heaven?"

    The lawyer thought about it long and hard, searching her mind for the one good deed that might gain her entrance to heaven. "As a matter of fact, the other day I passed a panhandler in the street and I gave him fifty cents," she said beamingly.

    St. Peter nodded grimly, looking over at his assistant Gabriel, and asked, "Is that in the records?" Gabriel nodded his assent. St. Peter than said, "That's not very impressive, nor is it enough. I'm sorry," and started to close the gates.

    "Wait, wait! There's more," shouted the woman. "The other night, as I was walking home, I almost tripped over a homeless child in the street. I gave him fifty cents too!"

    Peter again checked with Gabriel who confirmed the incident. "Is there anything else?"

    The lawyer again thought and thought and sadly said, "Not that I can remember."

    St. Peter contemplated for a long time and then asked Gabriel, "What do you think I should do?"

    Gabriel glanced at the lawyer disgustedly and said, "I'd give her back her buck and tell her to go to hell!"
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  3. #593
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Now that was a guffaw and a LAFF snort LAFF
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  4. #594
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Maveno That's funny! gabriel Mona is so pretty. Hi Mona! Wake up...it's time to play!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #595
    FORT Fogey Glitternerfball's Avatar
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    Miss Kitty - loved that joke! Finally, a blonde joke i haven't heard before!



  6. #596
    all hot air Ana Bannana's Avatar
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    Dating In 1957:

    It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.


    When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.


    Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."


    Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?" Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"


    Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.


    Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.


    About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:


    "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

  7. #597
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Let's do the Twist! That was a good one, AnaBanana!
    I've edited the following a bit for PG13

    George Carlin's new rules for 2006

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky [guys].

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop [annoying] old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his axx will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the [jerk]. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge [jerk].

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your [butt]. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  8. #598
    Here's your sign JAFO'S PRINCESS's Avatar
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    Too funny Miss
    I might as well work. I'm in a bad mood anyway.
    "I like to base my help on how happy you expect to be." Dogbert's tech support.

  9. #599
    all hot air Ana Bannana's Avatar
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    Misskitty - that is great!
    Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
    So true...

  10. #600
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    How about this one.....it totally cracks me up.

    NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
    ---------------------------------------

    Damnitol -- Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to eight full hours.

    St. Momma's Wort -- Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

    Emptynestrogen -- Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

    Peptobimbo -- Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

    Dumberol -- When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

    Flipitor -- Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip-off other drivers.

    Menicillin -- Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

    Buyagra -- Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

    Jackasspirin -- Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

    Anti-Talksident -- A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

    Nagament -- When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
    -------------
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

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