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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #51
    Ken's cookie! KylieGrant's Avatar
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    Top Ten Elf Pick-Up Lines

    10. All day I make toys -- all night I make love

    9. Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knees?

    8. We don't see many happenin' ladies north of the Arctic Circle

    7. That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there

    6. Just because a guy wears tights doesn't mean he's gay

    5. One night with me, baby, and you'll be sneezin' tinsel

    4. Why, yes -- I am George Stephanopoulos!

    3. I can't tell you how hard it is to be the only Jewish elf

    2. Not everything about me is tiny

    1. That's not Elmo, but don't stop tickling

  2. #52
    FORT Fogey
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    Kylie your on a roll honey that is good stuff

    ok,, here is one for all the HOCKEY fans.. or at least the cold weather people.

    ok,, three guys decide to go ice fishing,, so they go out to the ice,, drill the holes drop their lines and sit back to wait.. when suddenly they hear a booming voice 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE'.
    So, they decide to move down the ice further and try again,,
    they drill the hole, drop their lines and sit back to wait.. when again "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE",,

    Well, one more time they think lets move even further down the ice and give it one more try.. So, they drill the hole, drop their lines. and sit back to wait.. wouldn't you know it.. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!' Finally one guy stands up and shouts "Who are you and how do you know there are no fish under the ice?' The voice answers back
    "I'M THE RINK MANAGER"

  3. #53
    Ken's cookie! KylieGrant's Avatar
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    Pay attention, guys! True stuff, here. This was in men's health. NO I don't read men's health, a friend of mine sent it to me.

    50 things she WISHES You knew...

    1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or after sex doesn't count.
    2. Real men drive stick
    3. I will leave if you lie.
    4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts)
    5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no reason to think so.
    6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper into my ear.
    7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
    8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
    9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
    10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
    11. I expect you to call me.
    12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
    13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
    14. I'm more forgiving of you than I should be.
    15. Oral is your get-out-of-the-dog-house-free card.
    16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not.
    17. If Iím not having sex with you, (A) having a fat day; (B) not feeling "connected" to you; (C) blackmailing you to get something I want.
    18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
    19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD and Iím not afraid to use it.
    20. When I compare my tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say NOTHING.
    21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-shmancy dress up sate and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
    22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
    23. You should never tell me what to do.
    24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
    25. My breasts love attention when we're being intimate.
    26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
    27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
    28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
    29. When in doubt, go with a shirt that matches your eye color.
    30. I want to be Madonna.
    31. Women get urinary tract infections. So watch (and wash) your fingers.
    32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
    33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing stuff, wearing white T-shirts and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
    34. I need to hear how you feel about me. OFTEN. Tell me now.
    35. Surprises, especially gifts for ME = MORE LOVING for you.
    36. I want to be the best thing that's ever happened to you. And for you to recognize this.
    37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking for someone else...
    38. Discussion of ex-boyfriend's and ex-girlfriend's should be avoided at all costs.
    39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking even if you don't know yourself.
    40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
    41. I love it when you're sweaty.
    42. Itís best to consult your gal-pals for gift ideas.
    43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
    44. I like porn. Just don't tell anyone.
    45. I love holding your ass in the palms of my hands.
    46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
    47. Itís cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
    48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
    49. I remember EVERYTHING from our relationship.
    50. You should know all this without me telling you.

  4. #54
    Bitchgoddess broken_pryncess's Avatar
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    i have 2 cats, and this "diary" always cracks me up!

    DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
    dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced
    to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of
    escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional
    piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough
    it up on the carpeting.

    DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
    feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the
    top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
    oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
    chair...must try this on their bed (again).

    DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
    depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

    DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
    attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
    strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
    what a good
    little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

    DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
    reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
    included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds
    could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb
    still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my
    claws.

    DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I
    was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear
    the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call
    "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to
    MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to
    my advantage.

    DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
    snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
    return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has
    got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue
    (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am
    certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the
    metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter
    of time.
    Last edited by broken_pryncess; 01-18-2003 at 11:09 PM.
    "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best .. "

  5. #55
    Bitchgoddess broken_pryncess's Avatar
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    Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is
    irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair
    game.
    Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of
    clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
    Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you
    can hear them.
    Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an
    effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
    Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to
    fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
    Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are.
    That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so
    successful.
    Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more
    physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the
    man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
    Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when
    there's a spider or a wasp involved.
    Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And
    they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell
    two or three people.
    Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance
    to gossip.
    Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's
    doing. It might be the lottery calling.
    Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they
    wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
    Women think all beer is the same.
    Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in
    the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a
    tropical rain forest.
    Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment
    that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that
    reminds them of how horrible things could be.
    If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of
    clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a
    seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what
    she'll feel like wearing each day.
    Women brush their hair before bed.
    Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good
    idea about how she'll be in bed.
    Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
    Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's
    there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
    Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't
    stick?'
    Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.
    Men just get a large bowl to share.
    The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
    man would not be able to identify most of these items.
    Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
    looking, men kick cats.
    Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for
    two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and
    they will talk for three hours.
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
    garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
    Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of
    getting lost using a shortcut.
    Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall
    asleep afterwards.
    Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
    PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it
    means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish
    My Spouse.
    The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
    Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
    Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand
    turn.
    'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language
    than it does in man-language.
    Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
    Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the
    direction that they are heading.
    All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about
    it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up
    unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
    If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you
    can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
    Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good
    china'.
    Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let
    into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those
    rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing
    the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
    If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy
    toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the
    lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which
    gets them in more trouble)
    Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking
    a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because
    they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it
    themselves.
    Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men
    arrested.
    Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite
    claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise
    to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
    Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
    It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You
    don't see straight men dancing together.
    Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out
    and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch
    women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking
    out other women.
    The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman
    wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say,
    'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of
    here!'
    "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best .. "

  6. #56
    Bitchgoddess broken_pryncess's Avatar
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    reasons it is great to be a guy:

    Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

    Your orgasms are real. Always.

    Your last name stays put.

    The garage is all yours.

    Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

    Wedding plans take care of themselves.

    You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

    Chocolate is just another snack.

    You can be president.

    You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

    Foreplay is optional.

    Car mechanics tell you the truth.

    You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

    The world is your urinal.

    Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

    You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
    just too icky.

    Same work... more pay.

    Wrinkles add character.

    You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
    adjustments.

    Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said...

    If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

    People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

    Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

    The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

    New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.

    Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

    Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything
    different?"
    "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best .. "

  7. #57
    Bitchgoddess broken_pryncess's Avatar
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    To My Dearest Wife,

    During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times.
    I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10
    days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

    We will wake the kids - 54 times

    It's too late - 15 times

    I'm too tired - 42 times

    It's too early - 12 times

    It's too hot - 18 times

    Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

    The neighbors will hear - 9 times

    Headache or backache - 26 times

    Sunburn - 10 times

    Your mother will hear us - 9 times

    Not in the mood - 21 times

    Watching the late show - 17 times

    Too sore - 26 times

    New hairdo - 6 times

    Wrong time of the month - 14 times

    You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times


    Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always
    satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded
    me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to
    hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell
    you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because
    you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to
    improve this, shall we??

    Love, Your Hubby


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    To My Dearest Husband,

    I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you
    didn't get more than you did this past year:

    Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

    Did not come home at all - 36 times

    Did not come - 21 times

    Came too soon - 38 times

    Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

    Cramps in your leg - 16 times

    Working too late - 33 times

    You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

    Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

    You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

    You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

    You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

    You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

    Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

    The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were
    screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't
    want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack
    in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or
    kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you
    farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your
    "shortcomings?"

    Love, Your Wife
    "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best .. "

  8. #58
    Bitchgoddess broken_pryncess's Avatar
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    Why bicycles are better than Women...

    Bicycles don't get pregnant.

    You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

    Bicycles don't have parents.

    Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

    You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

    Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

    When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

    Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

    Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

    Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

    You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle"
    unless you go out to buy one yourself.

    If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

    If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

    If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics
    with it.

    You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

    If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize
    before you ride it again.

    You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

    You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get
    frustrated.

    Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you
    dump it.

    Bicycles don't get headaches.

    Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

    Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

    Bicycles don't care if you're late.

    You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

    If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better
    parts.

    You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having
    to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

    The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a
    decent helmet.

    When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had
    the last time you were on your Bicycle.
    "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best .. "

  9. #59
    Premium Member glennajo's Avatar
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    DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
    attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
    strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
    what a good
    little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
    This cracks me up! My cat kills moles in the yard and drops them on the mat at the front door. My husband told me that I should praise him for it because it's sort of like a gift.... Yeah, seemed strange to me too.

    Now I think maybe the cat is trying to tell me something.

  10. #60
    Bitchgoddess broken_pryncess's Avatar
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    I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

    I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
    I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
    I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
    I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

    I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
    and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
    I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
    I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

    And I don't go around checking my reflection
    in everything shiny from every direction.
    I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and
    when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

    I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
    I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
    I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
    I don't carry our differences into the sack.

    I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
    or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
    I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
    I know what the time is and I know what to do.

    And I honestly think its a privilege for me
    to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
    I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
    It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
    I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
    I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

    Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
    I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

    Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
    I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
    I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
    I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
    I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
    I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!



    I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

    I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
    I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
    I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
    I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

    I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
    And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
    I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
    My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

    And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch,
    or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
    I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
    I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

    I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
    I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
    It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
    When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
    And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
    I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

    Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
    I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
    And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
    to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
    I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
    I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

    I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
    or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
    Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
    then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
    Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
    Forget all about that old penis envy.

    I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
    Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
    I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
    I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
    "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best .. "

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