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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #581
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    It was fun being a baby boomer ... until now. Some of the artists of
    the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate again baby boomers. They include:


    1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

    2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

    3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

    4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

    5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

    6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

    7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

    8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

    9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

    10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

    11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

    12. TheTemptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

    13. Abba--- Denture Queen.

    14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

    15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

    16. Willie Neson--- On the Commode Again

    17. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #582
    Caged Maveno's Avatar
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    The Lone Drinker

    The Lone Ranger and his American-Indian friend Tonto come up to a small town after days of walking. The night is cold and they are both thirsty, so they decide to go have a drink at the local bar.

    A sign on the door of the bar reads "NO INDIANS."

    The Lone Ranger says, to Tonto, "Sorry friend, but you will have to wait outside. Run around so you won't get cold." So Tonto nods his head in approval, and begins to jog around the establishment.

    After about an hour and six whiskeys later, the Sheriff comes in to the saloon, strolls over to The Lone Ranger and says, "I've come to tell you that you've left your Injun' running outside!"
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  3. #583
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    *looks over* *GRRRRRROOOOOOOAAAAAAANNNNNNNN *
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  4. #584
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    gabriel That groan wasn't for my Baby Boomer songs was it?

    Here's a cute one.

    HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

    (1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
    like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should
    keep the chips and dip coming.
    * Alan, age 10

    (2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
    marry.God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
    stuck with.
    * Kristen, age 10

    WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

    (1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
    then.
    * Camille, age 10

    (2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
    * Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

    HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

    (1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
    * Derrick, age 8

    WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

    (1) Both don't want any more kids.
    * Lori, age 8

    WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

    (1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
    each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
    * Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

    (2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
    gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    * Martin, age 10

    WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

    (1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
    newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
    * Craig, age 9

    WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

    (1) When they're rich.
    * Pam, age 7

    (2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that
    * Curt, age 7

    (3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
    * Howard, age 8

    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

    (1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out
    * Theodore, age 8

    (2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
    * Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

    HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

    (1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
    * Kelvin, age 8

    And the #1 Favourite is........

    HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

    (1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
    * Ricky, age 10

    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #585
    all hot air Ana Bannana's Avatar
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    HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

    (1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks ke a truck.
    * Ricky, age 10

    That is funny!

  6. #586
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by misskitty View Post
    gabriel That groan wasn't for my Baby Boomer songs was it?
    Nope it was for Mavenos joke......
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  7. #587
    Caged Maveno's Avatar
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    I can never make gabriel happy.


    {{kicking dirt}}
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  8. #588
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Well, Maveno, I thought it was very funny!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  9. #589
    all hot air Ana Bannana's Avatar
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    I am blonde, so I am allowed to make fun of myself here...
    She Was So Blonde...
    * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
    * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
    * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
    * She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
    * She thought TACO BELL was a Mexican Phone Company.

    {{Now go ahead and moan.}}

  10. #590
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    AnaBanana

    FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

    A blonde called her old boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

    Her old boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

    Her old boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

    He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then...", he sighed, ..."Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

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