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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #571
    Quote Originally Posted by Rattus
    A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
    His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
    The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
    Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

    That's a cute one, I'll have to remember that one.

  2. #572
    everything under the sun lopevian's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Dagwood, I hyperventilated reading that! My stomach hurts, I think I pulled an ab on that one.

    What do you call a traveling nun?

    ** A roamin' Catholic

    What did the horse say when he stumbled on the path?

    ** "Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy-up!"

    How did the male elephant find the female elephant in the tall grass?

    ** Pretty nice....

    Why did the half-chicken cross the road?

    ** To get to his other side.
    "...Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder..."

  3. #573
    FORT Fogey Toby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Here's a funny for your viewing pleasure!


    "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    Benjamin Franklin.

  4. #574
    I see what you did there Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Santa Cruz, CA
    How To Prepare Chicken...

    A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"

    "Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"

    "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  5. #575
    My soul... Lonelyguy82's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Sacramento, CA
    I got this email from a friend.

    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

    I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and
    still be afraid of a spider.

    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me
    a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I
    have to roll my own so does she.

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

    W O R D S
    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! (At least she made a good point!)

    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
    each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then
    we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You
    are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is
    your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should
    do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the
    coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the
    Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several
    pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS" (Absoutely clueless here.)

    The Silent Treatment
    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

    God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
    Stop the world! I want to get off!

    Young and thriving, I feel infinite. Need I say more?

  6. #576
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Aliso Viejo, CA

    3 o'clock in the morning

    A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

    "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us ? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

  7. #577
    Come Along, Pond phat32's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Hi, Olivia!
    Told to me the other day, and I laughed for five minutes straight:

    Q: What's the difference between having a child and having a dog?

    A: A child doesn't crap on your carpet for 15 years and then die.
    "...Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but...the bad things don’t always spoil the good things." - The Doctor

  8. #578
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    In the Kat House in Kanada

    Xmas Joke - Not meant to offend anyone. :)

    Christmas Party

    Consider the below situation, when preparing for the holiday "events"

    December 1st TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.

    Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

    Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

    Regarding the anonymous note that I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange…no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

    Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director

    December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

    I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. And yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

    Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director

    December 9th TO: ALL #%&$**@!% EMPLOYEES

    People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

    Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces Director

    December 10th TO: ALL #%&$**@ EMPLOYEES

    Vegetarians -- I've had it with you *!#%&$**% people!! We're going to hold this %#%&$**@ party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the %&#%&$**# * "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including *#%&$**@!# hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them….I've heard them scream…...I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten %#%*!#%&$*!* holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

    The Bitch from Hell

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------- December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

    Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources

  9. #579
    I see what you did there Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Santa Cruz, CA
    A prominent Polish scientist conducted a very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!").

    In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."

    So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."

    Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."

    Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing"
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  10. #580
    FORT Fogey just1paul's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Eastside Milwaukee
    - The Dean Martin Show -
    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..


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