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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #561
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Maveno.

  2. #562
    FORT Fanatic starlette01350's Avatar
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    Here's one my Orgo professor told our class:

    A girl comes into the doctors office with an R stained on her chest. The doctor asks her how it got there, and she tells him that she was fooling around with her boyfriend, who goes to Rutgers, and the R from his letterman jacket rubbed off on her. The doctor removes the stain and she leaves. A few days later, another young girl comes in with an I on her chest. The doctor asks her what happened, and at first she's too embarassed to say, but eventually confesses that she was making love to her boyfriend who goes to Illionios State, and the I from his letterman jacket came off on her. He treats her and she leaves. Three days later, another girl comes into the office, this time with an M on her chest. The doctor exclaims that he knows exactly why she's there and what she wants, that she was messing around with her boyfriend who goes to Michigan State and the M from his jacket got on her. To which the girl responds, "Actually, my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin."

    And just imagine a little old man telling you this in the middle of a lecture. Gotta love professors with a dirty sense of humor.
    Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

  3. #563
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    *groan**giggles*

  4. #564
    A Meat Loaf Aday... ClosetNerd's Avatar
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    ewwww *giggle*
    ~There is no way to Happiness. Happiness is the way.~

  5. #565
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to
    her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
    state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull
    the plug."


    "OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

  6. #566
    FORT Fanatic starlette01350's Avatar
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    Hehe, that's cute and so true! It reminds me of my grandparents a bit. (My grandmother always yelled at my grandfather for watching too much tv).
    Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

  7. #567
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    An elderly couple in their 80's is watching TV. The old man gets up and starts putting on his coat. "Where are you going?", his wife asks. "I'm going to the doctor," he replies.
    She looks puzzled. "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he says,"I'm going to get some of that Viagra." As he opens the door, his wife gets up and starts putting on her coat. "Hold on, I'm coming with you," she tells him. Now he looks puzzled. "Why? Are you sick?" "No," she says, "but if you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I need a tetanus shot."
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

  8. #568
    FORT Regular
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    Quote Originally Posted by Perc
    How many women...?

    From the day of their wedding, Sarah has been nagging her husband about
    his past. "Come on, tell me," she asks again, "how many women have you
    slept with?" "Honey," he says, "if I told you, you'd just get angry."
    "No. I promise I won't," she begs. "Well, if you insist. Let's see, one,
    two, three, four, you, six, seven..."

    hahah that is so funny, completely untrue, of course, but great nonetheless!

  9. #569
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
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    Texas Chili Cookoff

    If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shat on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

    Judge # 3 - No Report

  10. #570
    Wild thang Rattus's Avatar
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    A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
    His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
    The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
    Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
    All I wanted was a 45, a stinking 45 - the record or the gun. I'd even settle for the damn malt liquor. - Al Bundy.

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