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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #551
    My wife who is blonde came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

    She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

    Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"


    A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

    A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

    Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

  2. #552
    I just heard something on tv that has just made my day. In a small town near here an email was sent to the county jail directing them to discharge a certain prisoner. They did, but later discovered that the email was sent from a nearby McDonalds. Coincidentally, that's where the jailbirds girlfriend worked. Aren't we all glad that we have such diligent authorities taking care of things?

  3. #553
    Kitten time! Gutmutter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Mio and Reo
    weathergirl - Helen Keller jokes were all the rage when I was in grade school. Of course they're not PC now, but my favorite was: Q. What's Helen Keller's favorite color? A. Corduroy
    Count your blessings!

  4. #554
    FORT Fogey Glitternerfball's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    For some reason the following has stuck with me throughout my life, I think it was in one of those 'my first joke books' as a kid.

    A dog moves into a posh new neighborhood. Immediately the other dogs come up to him.

    "I am a purebreed Poodle from Champion lines" says the first. "And my name is Baroque Sacrated Halo La Marka the Fourth"

    "And I am a direct descendant of Rin-Tin-Tin" replied a German Shepherd. "I have won three major titles, I am General Haus Van Tin."

    Other dogs began reciting their titles and name to the new dog. Final the poodle said, "so what is your name?"

    The dog, non-plussed, stared the poodle in the eye and said "Fido."

    All the other dogs started to laugh haughtily. The dog spoke again - "But it is spelled P-H-I-D-E-A-U-X"

    (I don't know why I love it so, just the spelling cracks me up. Those dogs names aren't the originals, I cribbed them from champion shows)

  5. #555
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Aliso Viejo, CA
    A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.

    The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.

    "This time you stole a can of tomatoes. Let us suppose that there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"

    The woman agreed.

    "Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."

    The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"

    "Well," said his honor, this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."

    The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."

  6. #556
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Playing kickball for the beer
    I just got this in my email. (Ironically, from a friend who is the WORST about spamming me with chain emails). I'm tempted to just send it back to her.

    I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send
    >> me
    >> your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank
    >> you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me
    >> feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
    >> Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can
    >> remove toilet stains.
    >> I no longer drink Pepsi or DR Pepper since the people who make these
    >> products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
    >> I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the
    >> rat feces and urine.
    >> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
    >> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
    >> pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
    >> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
    >> water buffalo on a hot day.
    >> I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being
    >> plastic.
    >> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
    >> perfume sample and rob me.
    >> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
    >> Al
    >> Qaeda in disguise.
    >> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
    >> stupid
    >> number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to
    >> Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
    >> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
    >> freaks with no eyes or feathers.
    >> I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and
    >> leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
    >> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
    >> their recipe.
    >> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
    >> out
    >> for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
    >> Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
    >> forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
    >> minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)
    >> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
    >> about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
    >> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
    >> the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
    >> their special e-mail program.
    >> Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!
    >> I will now return the favor.
    >> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60
    >> seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM
    >> this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your
    >> armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend
    >> of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend
    >> of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's
    >> 3rd husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  7. #557
    FORT Fogey just1paul's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Eastside Milwaukee
    I love my mother in law, really! - She's 86 years old and doesn't need glasses.
    No sir she drinks right out of the bottle.

    Dean Martin Live at the Sands
    - The Dean Martin Show -
    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..


  8. #558
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Aliso Viejo, CA
    Two blondes were pumping gas at a service station, and one says to the other,
    "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."
    To which the other replies:
    "Won't affect me: I always put in just $10 worth."

  9. #559
    A Meat Loaf Aday... ClosetNerd's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Northern NY
    I am so terrible with Jokes. Honestly I can only ever remember 1.
    Here goes:
    Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
    Click to see Spoiler:
    In his sleevies
    ~There is no way to Happiness. Happiness is the way.~

  10. #560
    I see what you did there Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Santa Cruz, CA

    Here's one that was sent today...

    Topless Sunbather

    A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn't care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the maitre'd from the restaurant.
    "Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on."

    "Why? I'm not disturbing anybody."

    "Ma'am. You're on the skylight."
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

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