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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #541
    Caged Maveno's Avatar
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    An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Older Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Older Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Older Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see..

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.

    Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  2. #542
    Cheers sweetie!!! Zaaam's Avatar
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    I have one...
    Angie's( from Survivor) armpits are soooo hairy, it looks like she has Don King in a head-lock.
    leave the gun...take the canolis - The Godfather

  3. #543
    FORT Fanatic weathergirl91's Avatar
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    This is one. Someone told me it. I thought it was pretty rude, and I hope I am allowed to post it. Here it is:

    BOB: Hey Joe! Did you know that Helen Keller had a birdhouse in her back yard??
    JOE: Um, no.
    BOB: Neither did she!

    Yeah, pretty stupid and mean if I must say.....

  4. #544
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Cars in Heaven

    Three men died and stood in front of God.

    God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

    The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car.

    The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

    A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

    "What's the matter?"

    "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

  5. #545
    FORT Fogey
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    A lion is walking around, all boastful and full of himself.

    He walks up to a gazelle and roars "WHO IS KING OF THE JUNGLLLLE?!?"...the frightened gazelle shivers and says "Why you are king lion".

    The lion then heads over to a nearby zebra and growls "WHO IS KING OF THE JUNGLLLE?!?"...the zebra shrinks like a voilet and whispers "Why you are king lion".

    The lion, now even more full of himself struts his stuff until he comes upon a large bull elephant. Fearless and full of confidence the lion gets right up in the elephants face and once again roars "WHO IS KING OF THE JUNGLLLE?!?".

    The elephant then grabs the lion up in his mighty trunk, raises him above his head and smashes him into the ground, he then gores him with his tusks and finally kicks him across the plain like child with a soccer ball.

    The lion, dazed and battered, climbs to his feet and begins to limp away. As he passes the elephant he whispers..."Jeez, just because you dont know the correct answer doesnt mean you have go ballistic..."

  6. #546
    FORT Fanatic weathergirl91's Avatar
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    haha. that was funny. I found one:
    ***Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

    Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"

  7. #547
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

    He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

    "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.

    A few moments passed.

    "An ambulance just drove by"

    A few moments later,

    "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.

    "Matt's riding a new bike....."

    "The Coopers are having sex!!"

    Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!

    Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex??"

    "Johnny Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle too."

  8. #548
    Too cold to run away! Burntcrow's Avatar
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    Ok, a palm tree walks into a bar...the bartender says...."nice coconuts!."

  9. #549
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    *bump*

    Kid's Surgery

    Two little kids are in a hospital, each lying on carts outside the operating room.
    The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you here for?"

    The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out. I'm a little nervous."
    The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
    They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

    The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
    The first kid says, "A circumcision."

    And the second kid says, "Whoaaaa -- good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

  10. #550
    Premium Member
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    We saw this on a little sign in a store, my husband wanted to buy it but I nipped that right in the bud. :nono

    "The only difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull is... LIPSTICK"

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