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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #531
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    The Silent Treatment

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home
    and were giving each other the silent treatment.
    Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
    would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an
    early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the
    first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
    piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

    He left it where he knew she would find it.
    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it
    was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious,
    he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him
    when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,
    "It is 5:00AM. Wake up."

  2. #532
    FORT Fanatic weathergirl91's Avatar
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    to that one too!

  3. #533
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by weathergirl91
    to that one too!
    You silly girl.

  4. #534
    FORT Fanatic weathergirl91's Avatar
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    Im silly? yay haha

  5. #535
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Spaghetti

    A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
    years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
    that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his
    marriage, he paid a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to
    secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the
    child, he would also provide child support until the child turned
    18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was
    born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post
    card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for
    child support payments to begin.
    One day, about 9 months later, he came home to:
    "Honey", she said, "You received a very strange
    post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it,"
    he said. The wife agreed, and watched as her husband read the
    card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written:
    "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

  6. #536
    FORT Fogey JamiLee's Avatar
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    duckgirl......
    too freaking funny and boy did i need a laugh OHMAN

  7. #537
    FORT Fogey AIWANNABE's Avatar
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    Quick Joke 1
    A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that
    will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the
    line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.

    The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective.
    It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all damn day!"

    The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and
    the puzzled redneck says, "Heck, what's that noise?"

    Quick Joke 2
    A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

    The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

    "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

    With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

    Quick Joke 3
    Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.

    Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

    She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.

    For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:

    "I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."

    Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

    Quick Joke 4
    A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a devon sandwich!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

  8. #538
    FORT Fanatic weathergirl91's Avatar
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    Those were pretty funny AIWANNABE!

  9. #539
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    right ankle

    Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
    As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."
    The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

  10. #540
    FORT Fanatic weathergirl91's Avatar
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    That was funny Marley! Heres one I found:

    Jessica Simpson and three friends are running from the police. They decide to hide in an abandoned farm. The first friend hides in the barn with the chickens. The police get to the coop, and search. The friend cries out, "bawk bawk bawk!". The police decide its just a bunch of chickens, and search the rest of the farm. The second friend hid with the cows behind the hay stacks. As the police arrive to that location, the friend cries out, "MOO MOO MOO!". The police decide its just a bunch of cows, and search the rest of the farm. Now, Jessica hid in the potato field. When the police reach the potato field, Jessica screams out, "POTATO POTATO POTATO!". Good Job Jess!

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