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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #521
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    The DMV messed up her plate! Just teasing!

  2. #522
    FORT Fanatic weathergirl91's Avatar
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    Church Bloopers
    This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...


    1) Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
    2) Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
    3)The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
    4) The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
    5) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    6) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    7) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
    8) Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
    9) "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
    *my stomach hurts from laughing so much!*
    Last edited by weathergirl91; 02-12-2005 at 09:33 PM.

  3. #523
    FORT Fanatic weathergirl91's Avatar
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    I thought that was funny.

  4. #524
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    I just heard this one.

    An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

    Moral: Old men can still think fast!

  5. #525
    FORT Regular DreamerFish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by weathergirl91
    Church Bloopers
    This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...


    1) Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
    2) Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
    3)The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
    4) The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
    5) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    6) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    7) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
    8) Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
    9) "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
    *my stomach hurts from laughing so much!*
    weathergirl Good one... my favorite is number 6 -- hee, hee!

  6. #526
    FORT Fanatic weathergirl91's Avatar
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    That was my favorite one too. I loved that. Those were all very funny. I also loved numbers 4, 5, 7, and 8. especially 7 and 8

  7. #527
    FORT Fanatic weathergirl91's Avatar
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    1. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so
    glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I
    have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
    are sore, my dog just died . . . "

    2. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
    is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and
    with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

    3. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
    have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
    moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
    know you from.

    4. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each
    one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to
    speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

    5. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
    Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't
    have any friends, would you be my friend?"

    6. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
    Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and
    then hang up.

    7. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
    him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you
    can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
    telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess
    you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
    Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

    8. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please
    hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat
    at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
    dinner conversation.

    9. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I
    should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

    10. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
    joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
    momma?"

  8. #528
    FORT Fanatic weathergirl91's Avatar
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    Elmos Test Tickles

    A new employee is hired at a toy factory and is assigned to the Tickle Me Elmo production line. She reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am and receives her instructions for the week. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

    The Foreman from the assembly line slams open the door, and complains that the new employee is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.

    The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood me yesterday when I gave you your instructions. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."

  9. #529
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Taxi ride

    A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

    For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylight out of me.

    The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder coud frighten him so much.

    The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years. "

  10. #530
    FORT Fanatic weathergirl91's Avatar
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    thats funny! I didnt get it at first...but when i thought about it () I understood it completely! that was a good one......

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