02-12-2005, 07:18 PM #521
The DMV messed up her plate! Just teasing!
02-12-2005, 09:29 PM #522
02-20-2005, 08:46 PM #523
I thought that was funny.
02-20-2005, 09:08 PM #524
I just heard this one.
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast!
02-20-2005, 09:14 PM #525
weathergirl Good one... my favorite is number 6 -- hee, hee!
Originally Posted by weathergirl91
02-20-2005, 10:45 PM #526
That was my favorite one too. I loved that. Those were all very funny. I also loved numbers 4, 5, 7, and 8. especially 7 and 8
02-20-2005, 10:54 PM #527
1. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so
glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I
have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "
2. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and
with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
3. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.
4. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each
one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to
speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
5. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't
have any friends, would you be my friend?"
6. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and
then hang up.
7. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you
can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess
you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
8. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please
hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat
at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
9. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I
should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
10. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
02-23-2005, 07:30 PM #528
Elmos Test Tickles
A new employee is hired at a toy factory and is assigned to the Tickle Me Elmo production line. She reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am and receives her instructions for the week. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman from the assembly line slams open the door, and complains that the new employee is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood me yesterday when I gave you your instructions. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."
03-02-2005, 06:25 PM #529
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylight out of me.
The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder coud frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years. "
03-02-2005, 06:43 PM #530
thats funny! I didnt get it at first...but when i thought about it () I understood it completely! that was a good one......
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