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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #491
    Scrappy Spartan Broadway's Avatar
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    Okay... just got this story in an email. Hopefully it doesn't cross over the line.

    ****************************** *****************************
    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

    Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

    Here's what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

    "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

    I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

    Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

    I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.

    I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

    "OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

    "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

    "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

    "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

    We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

    "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

    "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

    "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.

    In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

    He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

    We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

    More silence.

    Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

    Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

    "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    2 - lizards - $140...

    1 - Cage - $50...

    Trip to the Vet - $30...

    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wanker .....Priceless...
    Never let the things you want make you forget about the things you have.

  2. #492
    Scrappy Spartan Broadway's Avatar
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    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
    sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
    down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

    Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
    socket towards the man.

    He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it
    back.

    Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in
    place.

    "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
    theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
    deepest
    dreams and he shares his. She listens.

    After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
    her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

    They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

    The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
    The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

    "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice
    to every guy you meet? "

    "No, " she replies. . . . . . . "

    Wait for it. .

    It's coming. .

    The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

    She says:




    "You just happened to catch my eye."
    Never let the things you want make you forget about the things you have.

  3. #493
    Scrappy Spartan Broadway's Avatar
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    Okay.. everyone loves a little Johnny joke, right?

    It was Little Johnny's first day back to school. In English class,
    the teacher, wanting the children to learn to use words in sentences
    as well as spell them, asked the class "who can give me a sentence
    using the word 'hotel'"?

    Little Johnny, wanting to show the class how smart he was, jumped up and said "I will teacher, I will, please let me".

    The teacher sighing, said "okay Johnny, give us a sentence using
    the word 'hotel'".

    Little Johnny runs to the front of the class with a proud look on his face and says "my momma says she ain't gonna never tell her friend Sharon anything else, 'cause that hotel everything she knows.'

    The teacher fainted.
    Never let the things you want make you forget about the things you have.

  4. #494
    MIA, RIP, or Busy...
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    Broadway.....Somebody must be glad it's Friday...
    A Bachelor fan til it dies a slow death and oddly enough, A Rock of Love fan...finest hair extensions from Europe and all. ;-)

  5. #495
    Scrappy Spartan Broadway's Avatar
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    Get me out of here!!!!!
    Never let the things you want make you forget about the things you have.

  6. #496
    FORT Fogey joeguy's Avatar
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    don't blame me!!!!!


  7. #497
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    A Tribute to Rodney Dangerfield (Here are some of his jokes....)

    1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had
    nothing to play with.

    2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's
    home. "I went over. Nobody was home.

    3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
    night she called me from a hotel.

    4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
    said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"

    He said "Because you came home early."

    5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and
    a button fell off.

    I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.

    I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

    6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
    covering me up.

    7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
    radio.

    8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me.

    She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    9. I was so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who
    came with his wallet.

    10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to
    my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
    through."

    11. I was so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

    12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
    finger to my father.

    He said he wanted more proof.

    13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
    find my parents.

    I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"

    He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

    14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    15. I was so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
    big I'd get.

    16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I
    look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?"

    He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

    17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.

    He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

    18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my
    kite in the air?"

    He told me to run off a cliff.

    19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a
    pyramid.

    His favorite bone is in my arm.

    Last night he went on the paper four times -- three of those times I
    was reading it.

    20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy -- for birth control.


    21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in
    the electric chair.

  8. #498
    Leave No Trace ADKLove's Avatar
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    Thanks for posting that. He really was a great comedian - that stuff is classic
    Love many, trust a few, and always paddle your own canoe

  9. #499
    FORT Fogey Pyramid Solitaire by Disney's Tangled Champion combatcutie's Avatar
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    thanks for posting december12. I needed a laugh after the day I'm having.
    I can only please one person a day, today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either

  10. #500
    Just Forting Around roseskid's Avatar
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    I loooooooved Rodney. I had a boss who was very quiet/reserved, but when he told me he loved Rodney, too, I knew I'd get along famously with him (and I did!).
    Love The Bachelor? Catch the recap for this season's sacrificial lamb lucky guy here in Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6 and Episode 7.

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