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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #41
    FORT Fogey
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    Rox!!! GREAT one..!! Welcome!!!

  2. #42
    It ain't easy being green Wayner's Avatar
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    Rox!

    Staying on Kylie's dyslexia theme:

    Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

  3. #43
    Ken's cookie! KylieGrant's Avatar
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    Wayner!

    to the board, Rox!

  4. #44
    Sexy evil genius Paulie's Avatar
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    Hi, Rox! Nice to see you.
    When you're ten years old and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it's hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late. So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again. - Jack Handey

    Read Paulie's Precaps for Survivor:Vanuatu: 1-2-3-4-5

  5. #45
    eny
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    Hi Rox !


    Doctor's Orders

    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

    After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
    "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

    “He said you're going to die," she replied

  6. #46
    Rox
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    think cheerful thoughts Rox's Avatar
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    ALL!

    BTW ~ everyone who guessed my picture was in reference to me.. was right,
    HOWEVER, I don't go away, so open your eyes again.

  7. #47
    LG.
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    Hi Rox, welcome.

    so, dyslexic jokes, huh, that's a toughie. How about a lawyer joke. Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

  8. #48
    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    rox

    LG

    Since I can't think of a substitute teacher joke I'll add to the lawyer one Nothing but love to you of course LG

    What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Lawyer in the road?
    There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

  9. #49
    FORT Fogey
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    Funny Bumper stickers..

    25- Boldly going nowhere.
    24- Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
    23- How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
    22- CATS -- The other white meat.
    21- Don't be sexist -- broads hate that.
    20- I'm an imbecile and I vote.
    19- Money Isn't Everything... But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
    18- WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
    17- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me, not you!
    16- Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
    15- Save Your Breath...you'll need it to blow up your date!
    14- Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
    13- Grow your own dope, plant a man.
    12- All men are animals, some just make better pets.
    11- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
    10- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
    9- I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
    8- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
    7- All men are idiots... I married their King.
    6- The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
    5- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
    4- Out of my mind... back in five minutes.
    3- Where there's a will... I want to be in it.
    2- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
    1- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

  10. #50
    PKeeper
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    Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
    Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
    the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
    been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
    deaths. So what's your story?"

    So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
    has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch
    her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
    something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
    this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the
    balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
    25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating
    on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall
    off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and
    starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that
    for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell
    into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I
    ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge
    where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and
    anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
    balcony."

    "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
    in.
    The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
    full, and again asks for his story.

    "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
    my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
    balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
    I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
    balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very
    long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought
    for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I
    held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
    hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but
    again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
    right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
    refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
    and now I'm here."

    Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
    horrible death.

    The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
    process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
    for his story.

    "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
    refrigerator..."

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