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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #451
    HBK fan nilesgirl's Avatar
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    You ever notice some of the stupid things that are printed on everyday items? For example: On a hairdryer (This is real. Look on the hazard tag on the hairdryer cord): Do Not Use While Bathing.
    On a Rowenta Iron: Do Not Iron Clothes On Body
    On a box of Christmas lights: For Indoor or Outdoor Use Only
    Hurley: (holding up a Jesus statue) I don't know. I thought there might be a prowler or something.
    Mrs. Reyes: (grabbing the statue) Jesus Christ is not a weapon! - LOST "There's No Place Like Home Pt. 1

  2. #452
    HBK fan nilesgirl's Avatar
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    On a box of Tiramisu: Please do not turn box upside down. Printed on the bottom of the box.
    On a bag of Dorito's: You may be an instant winner! No Purchase necessary. Details Inside. (Does this mean we can go and open every bag of Dorito's in the store and find the winning gamepiece without having to pay for the chips? Yesss! )
    Hurley: (holding up a Jesus statue) I don't know. I thought there might be a prowler or something.
    Mrs. Reyes: (grabbing the statue) Jesus Christ is not a weapon! - LOST "There's No Place Like Home Pt. 1

  3. #453
    HBK fan nilesgirl's Avatar
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    If you have any others, feel free.
    Hurley: (holding up a Jesus statue) I don't know. I thought there might be a prowler or something.
    Mrs. Reyes: (grabbing the statue) Jesus Christ is not a weapon! - LOST "There's No Place Like Home Pt. 1

  4. #454
    Just Forting Around roseskid's Avatar
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    nilesgirl........every one of those is hysterical with each one better than the one previous. I've also seen a blowdryer with "do not operate while sleeping". As far as I'm concerned, if you can blow dry your hair while sleeping, you should charge people admission to watch!
    Love The Bachelor? Catch the recap for this season's sacrificial lamb lucky guy here in Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6 and Episode 7.

  5. #455
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nilesgirl
    I love that one of the cat. How the heck did that happen?
    I don't know. Someone just E-mailed it to me.

  6. #456
    HBK fan nilesgirl's Avatar
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    Here's another one: On a bottle of Boot's Children's (emphasize children's) cough syrup: Do not operate heavy machinery
    Hurley: (holding up a Jesus statue) I don't know. I thought there might be a prowler or something.
    Mrs. Reyes: (grabbing the statue) Jesus Christ is not a weapon! - LOST "There's No Place Like Home Pt. 1

  7. #457
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    A 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

    No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!". She then sat back down.

    The teacher ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

    Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

    The teacher asked "Anybody?"

    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

    The teacher said, "Very good, Billy."

    Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

    First, you have a dirty mind.

    Second, you didn't read your homework.

    And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.."

  8. #458
    Allez les Bleus! Zaius's Avatar
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    It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: picturesque with its painted white clapboards and high steeple.

    One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church's paint was getting a bit shabby and peeling. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale at the local hardware store, and the next day, he went into town and bought three gallons of white latex, then went back to the church and began the job.

    Having completed the first side, he stood back and admired his work. It was looking great. But he noticed that he had already used over one gallon. He didn't want to go all the way back into town, so he figured that if he just thinned the paint a little, it might last long enough to finish the other three sides. So he added a gallon of water to each of the remaining gallons, and continued painting.

    It worked out great. He finished the last three sides with the remaining paint.

    That night, it rained: and it rained HARD. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was still looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

    The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "LORD, What shall I do?"

    A voice came back from the heavens saying,

    "Repaint, and thin no more!"
    "The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy."
    -- Unknown

  9. #459
    HBK fan nilesgirl's Avatar
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    to Zaius and Marley
    Hurley: (holding up a Jesus statue) I don't know. I thought there might be a prowler or something.
    Mrs. Reyes: (grabbing the statue) Jesus Christ is not a weapon! - LOST "There's No Place Like Home Pt. 1

  10. #460
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    every airplane passenger's nightmare

    I was manning the ticket counter at a busy airport when the sound of a sobbing infant filled the air. As the next passenger stepped up to the desk, he glanced at the tot and rolled his eyes.

    "Don't worry," I said to him. "Chances are that baby won't be on your flight."

    Head shaking, he replied, "Oh I bet he will. That's my son."

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