+ Reply to Thread
Page 45 of 156 FirstFirst ... 35363738394041424344454647484950515253545595145 ... LastLast
Results 441 to 450 of 1560
Like Tree268Likes

Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #441
    Resident Single Gal erin_dye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Snoozing at my desk again.
    Age
    34
    Posts
    678
    Reasons to stay at work all night
    1. Act out your version of a company takeover.

    2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".

    3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

    4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.

    5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".

    6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.

    7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.

    8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.

    9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

    10. Elevator surfing!

  2. #442
    Resident Single Gal erin_dye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Snoozing at my desk again.
    Age
    34
    Posts
    678
    Ten worst gifts to buy a woman
    1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

    2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

    3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

    4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

    5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

    6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

    7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

    8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

    9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

    10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

  3. #443
    Resident Single Gal erin_dye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Snoozing at my desk again.
    Age
    34
    Posts
    678
    Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube (All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV)


    If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.


    If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.


    All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.


    All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.


    It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.


    Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.


    The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.


    You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.


    Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.


    The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.


    People of TV never finish their drinks.


    A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.


    The chief of police is always black.


    When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.


    If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.


    Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.


    During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.


    Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.


    Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.


    Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.


    A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.


    If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.


    Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.


    Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.


    All single women have a cat.


    Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.


    Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.


    One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.


    Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.


    If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"


    Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.


    It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.


    During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.


    When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.


    Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.


    Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.


    When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.


    Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.


    No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.


    If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.


    You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.


    Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.


    Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.


    Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.


    All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.


    It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.


    Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.


    Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.


    A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.


    If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

  4. #444
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    Aliso Viejo, CA
    Posts
    836
    Quote Originally Posted by ADKLove
    Marley - your first post (the bar jokes) had me . Printing out for the company bulletin board
    Glad I could be of service.

  5. #445
    Just Forting Around roseskid's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Anticipating roses and broken hearts
    Posts
    7,271
    Erin, loved the life mysteries on tv! Very funny.
    Love The Bachelor? Catch the recap for this season's sacrificial lamb lucky guy here in Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6 and Episode 7.

  6. #446
    Resident Single Gal erin_dye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Snoozing at my desk again.
    Age
    34
    Posts
    678
    Yeah, I figured that would go over well here.

  7. #447
    Resident Single Gal erin_dye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Snoozing at my desk again.
    Age
    34
    Posts
    678
    Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:


    Here honey, you use the remote.


    You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.


    Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!


    While I'm up, can I get you anything?


    Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?


    Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?


    Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.


    Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.


    We never talk anymore

  8. #448
    Premium Member Pansygirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Reading a romance novel
    Posts
    2,170
    Yea I'll agree to all of the above........fits my husband to a T!
    Smile it makes people wonder what you are up to.

  9. #449
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    Aliso Viejo, CA
    Posts
    836

    random pictures ;)

    Beginning golf:

  10. #450
    HBK fan nilesgirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Age
    42
    Posts
    4,764
    I love that one of the cat. How the heck did that happen?
    Hurley: (holding up a Jesus statue) I don't know. I thought there might be a prowler or something.
    Mrs. Reyes: (grabbing the statue) Jesus Christ is not a weapon! - LOST "There's No Place Like Home Pt. 1

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.