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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #431
    Resident Single Gal erin_dye's Avatar
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    ADK!

  2. #432
    Resident Single Gal erin_dye's Avatar
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    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

    "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

    "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

  3. #433
    Leave No Trace ADKLove's Avatar
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    Love many, trust a few, and always paddle your own canoe

  4. #434
    Just Forting Around roseskid's Avatar
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    ADK......the washcloth story honestly made me laugh out loud. Thanks!
    Love The Bachelor? Catch the recap for this season's sacrificial lamb lucky guy here in Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6 and Episode 7.

  5. #435
    Premium Member Pansygirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by roseskid
    ADK......the washcloth story honestly made me laugh out loud. Thanks!
    That me too thanks for posting it....
    Smile it makes people wonder what you are up to.

  6. #436
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

    3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

    6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

    8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

    9 . "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" The Doc says, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says "It's Not Unusual."

    10. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

    11. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

    12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

    13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

    15. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

    16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

  7. #437
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    VW vs. Rolls

    A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in
    a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

    Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you
    got a telephone in that Rolls?"

    The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

    "I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

    "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

    "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

    "Why, actually, yes, I do."

    "I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

    The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,

    "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

    The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

    "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

    The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy
    in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a
    customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

    About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car
    and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the
    Texas plates.

    Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up
    next to it.

    The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat
    awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps
    on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

    The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peek out.

    The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

    "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

    "Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

    The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"

  8. #438
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    After church

    After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

    "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

    "Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."

  9. #439
    Leave No Trace ADKLove's Avatar
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    Marley - your first post (the bar jokes) had me . Printing out for the company bulletin board
    Love many, trust a few, and always paddle your own canoe

  10. #440
    can i have your heart? unexplained's Avatar
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    Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
    The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
    They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
    The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."


    ADK, your washcloth one was hilarious.
    You select the person you want to be with, and then you let that person have the opportunity to select you. -Shayla

    "The mind is its own place, and in it, self can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." -John Milton, Paradise Lost.

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