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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #421
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
    end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

    Lady 1: What's that?

    Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

    Lady 1: Where did you get it?

    Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

    The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
    announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

    The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
    is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
    she prefers.

    "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

    The pharmacist fainted.
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  2. #422
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    The Meaning of Life

    On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of
    your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a
    life span of twenty years."
    The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll
    give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

    On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do
    monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The
    monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.
    Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

    On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field
    with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
    milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The
    cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
    Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed
    again.

    On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
    enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
    Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and
    the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the
    dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a
    deal."

    So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and
    enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
    family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
    grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark
    at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  3. #423
    Hypermediocrity Amanda's Avatar
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    I'd like to remind everyone that this site is PG-13, and you're all well aware of the language guidelines. That being the case, it's your job to edit your email forwards before you post them in here. We shouldn't have to do it for you.

    P.S. Just to clarify, this message isn't in response to the joke posted above. It was regarding a joke that the user chose to delete.
    Last edited by Amanda; 07-22-2004 at 01:01 PM.

  4. #424
    Go Adria and Natalie! CaNaDiAn FaN's Avatar
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    This actually happened.

    My Mom works at a Deli. She always has funny stories to tell.
    One time she was out doing a delivery at a retirement home, and she heard a few older women talking.

    Woman #1: The weatherman says it's supposed to get warmer soon.
    Woman #2: I don't believe it.
    Woman #1: Why not?
    Woman #2: I stopped believing the weatherman when I had to shovel six inches of, "Partly Cloudy," off of my front sidewalk.

    If I remember any other funny stories my Mom told me, I'll post them too.
    Currently Watching:
    Big Brother 5 - Canadian Idol

    - Nokomis - Theresa

  5. #425
    FORT Fogey
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    A New Survivor Show

    Okay, this is teacher humor, but I found it very amusing and oddly appropriate to post at FORT.

    Have you heard about the next planned Survivor show?

    Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in an elementary school classroom for 6 weeks.

    Each business person will be provided with a copy of his/her school district's curriculum, and a class of 28 students.

    Each class will have five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.D., one gifted child, and two who speak limited English. Three will be labeled as severe behavior problems.

    Each business person must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize, or create materials accordingly.

    They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, and arrange parent conferences.

    They must also supervise recess and monitor the hallways. In addition, they will complete drills for fire, tornadoes, and shooting attacks.

    They must attend workshops, (100 hours), faculty meetings, union meetings, and curriculum development meetings.

    They must also tutor those students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to take the Terra Nova and EPA tests.

    If they are sick or having a bad day they must not let it show. Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, math, science, and social studies into the program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment at all times.

    The business people will only have access to the golf course on the weekends, but on their new salary they will not be able to afford it anyway. There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to 30 minutes.

    On days when they do not have recess duty, the business people will be permitted to use the staff restroom as long as another survival candidate is supervising their class. They will be provided with two 40-minute planning periods per week while their students are at specials.

    If the copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials at this time.

    The business people must continually advance their education on their own time and pay for this advanced training themselves. This can be accomplished by moonlighting at a second job or marrying someone with money.

    The winner will be allowed to return to his or her job.

  6. #426
    Resident Single Gal erin_dye's Avatar
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    Identifying wasted time
    TO: ALL PERSONNEL
    FROM: ACCOUNTING

    It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

    Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

    The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

    Thank you,
    Accounting

    Attached: Extended Job-Code List
    Code and Explanation
    5316 Useless Meeting

    5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

    5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

    5319 Waiting for Break

    5320 Waiting for Lunch

    5321 Waiting for End of Day

    5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

    5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

    5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

    5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

    5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

    5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

    5481 Buying Snack

    5482 Eating Snack

    5500 Filling Out Timesheet

    5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

    5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

    5503 Scratching Yourself

    5504 Sleeping

    5510 Feeling Bored

    5511 Feeling Horny

    5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

    5601 Complaining About Low Pay

    5602 Complaining About Long Hours

    5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

    5604 Complaining About Boss

    5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

    5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

    5701 Not Actually Present At Job

    5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

    6102 Ordering Out

    6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

    6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

    6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

    6201 Stealing Company Goods

    6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

    6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

    6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

    6205 Hiding from Boss

    6206 Gossip

    6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

    6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

    6211 Updating Resume

    6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

    6213 Out of Office on Interview

    6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

    6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

    6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

    6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

    6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

    6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

    6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

    6602 Complaining

    6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

    6611 Staring Into Space

    6612 Staring At Computer Screen

    6615 Transcendental Meditation

    7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

    7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

    7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

    7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

    7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

    7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

    7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

    7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

    7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

    7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

    7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

    8000 Recreational Drug Use

    8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

    8002 Liquid Lunch

    8100 Reading e-mail

  7. #427
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
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    Separated at Birth?

    I searched the forum and couldn't find a thread. If one exists, forgive me for starting a new one.

    My mom emailed this to me and I thought it was great, plus I have always enjoyed this type of thread.

    "Has anyone seen Dustin Hoffman lately?"
    Attached Images Attached Images
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

    #oldmanbeatdown - Donny BB16

  8. #428
    Just Forting Around roseskid's Avatar
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    Dagwood, I love that. Your mom must be a hoot. Come to think of it, I haven't seen Dustin Hoffman lately.
    Love The Bachelor? Catch the recap for this season's sacrificial lamb lucky guy here in Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6 and Episode 7.

  9. #429
    Top Model Baby! cahalanmac's Avatar
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    Same haircut and all...

  10. #430
    Leave No Trace ADKLove's Avatar
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    My sister sent me this and it made me laugh, mostly because I always seem to have a piece of glitter stuck somewhere on me......

    THE WASH CLOTH
    There is not a woman alive today that won't crack up over this one!
    I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early
    one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I
    had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am. I had only just packed
    everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45am. The trip
    to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As
    most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
    making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
    full effort.
    So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was
    sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to
    make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes
    basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment!
    I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
    Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked
    over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or
    some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the
    doctor said,
    "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't
    respond.
    After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of
    the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school
    when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the
    bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
    I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need
    the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles in
    it."
    Love many, trust a few, and always paddle your own canoe

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