Jokes & Funnies

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

The Meaning of Life

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a
life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll
give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do
monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The
monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The
cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed
again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and
the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the
dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a
deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and
enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark
at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

I'd like to remind everyone that this site is PG-13, and you're all well aware of the language guidelines. That being the case, it's your job to edit your email forwards before you post them in here. We shouldn't have to do it for you.

P.S. Just to clarify, this message isn't in response to the joke posted above. It was regarding a joke that the user chose to delete.

This actually happened.

My Mom works at a Deli. She always has funny stories to tell.
One time she was out doing a delivery at a retirement home, and she heard a few older women talking.

Woman #1: The weatherman says it's supposed to get warmer soon.
Woman #2: I don't believe it.
Woman #1: Why not?
Woman #2: I stopped believing the weatherman when I had to shovel six inches of, "Partly Cloudy," off of my front sidewalk.

If I remember any other funny stories my Mom told me, I'll post them too.

Okay, this is teacher humor, but I found it very amusing and oddly appropriate to post at FORT. :)

Have you heard about the next planned Survivor show?

Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in an elementary school classroom for 6 weeks.

Each business person will be provided with a copy of his/her school district's curriculum, and a class of 28 students.

Each class will have five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.D., one gifted child, and two who speak limited English. Three will be labeled as severe behavior problems.

Each business person must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize, or create materials accordingly.

They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, and arrange parent conferences.

They must also supervise recess and monitor the hallways. In addition, they will complete drills for fire, tornadoes, and shooting attacks.

They must attend workshops, (100 hours), faculty meetings, union meetings, and curriculum development meetings.

They must also tutor those students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to take the Terra Nova and EPA tests.

If they are sick or having a bad day they must not let it show. Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, math, science, and social studies into the program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment at all times.

The business people will only have access to the golf course on the weekends, but on their new salary they will not be able to afford it anyway. There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to 30 minutes.

On days when they do not have recess duty, the business people will be permitted to use the staff restroom as long as another survival candidate is supervising their class. They will be provided with two 40-minute planning periods per week while their students are at specials.

If the copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials at this time.

The business people must continually advance their education on their own time and pay for this advanced training themselves. This can be accomplished by moonlighting at a second job or marrying someone with money.

The winner will be allowed to return to his or her job.

Identifying wasted time
TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

I searched the forum and couldn't find a thread. If one exists, forgive me for starting a new one. :)

My mom emailed this to me and I thought it was great, plus I have always enjoyed this type of thread.

"Has anyone seen Dustin Hoffman lately?"

Dagwood, I love that. Your mom must be a hoot. Come to think of it, I haven't seen Dustin Hoffman lately. :lol

Same haircut and all...

My sister sent me this and it made me laugh, mostly because I always seem to have a piece of glitter stuck somewhere on me......

Quote:

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THE WASH CLOTH
There is not a woman alive today that won't crack up over this one!
I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early
one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I
had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am. I had only just packed
everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45am. The trip
to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As
most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was
sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to
make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes
basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment!
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked
over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or
some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the
doctor said,
"My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't
respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of
the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school
when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the
bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need
the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles in
it."

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