+ Reply to Thread
Page 42 of 156 FirstFirst ... 32333435363738394041424344454647484950515292142 ... LastLast
Results 411 to 420 of 1560
Like Tree268Likes

Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #411
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Dublin, OH
    Posts
    26,558

    The Blonde Kidnapper

    A blonde women was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
    "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomarrow at 7 A M. Signed, THE BLONDE"
    She pinned the note inside the little boy`s jacket and told him to go straight home.
    The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note:
    "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

  2. #412
    FORTfruity applesauce's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    2,099


    I liked that one Unklescott!

  3. #413
    Choo-choo train. Citizen Kaos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    By the beach mon!
    Posts
    1,191
    Unklescott, hilarious! I love blonde jokes-no offense!
    I have learned that gifts don't always come wrapped and treasures aren't always buried.
    - Bob Perks

  4. #414
    Choo-choo train. Citizen Kaos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    By the beach mon!
    Posts
    1,191
    One day a little bot wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

    Santa Claus wrote him back, "Okay, send me your mother."
    I have learned that gifts don't always come wrapped and treasures aren't always buried.
    - Bob Perks

  5. #415
    FORT Fogey Glitternerfball's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Posts
    858
    Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?








    A: Two, but don't ask me how they got in there!

  6. #416
    FORT Fogey
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Posts
    918
    This is something one of my profs passed on to us. Probably more sweet than funny, but some of it's hysterical. Ah, to see the world through the eyes of a child...

    The Meaning of Love

    Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what do little kids know about love? Read on and be surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

    "Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."

    "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

    "When someone loves you, the way she says your name is different. You know that your name is safe in her mouth."

    "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

    "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."

    "Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

    "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

    "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

    "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss but they look happy and sometimes they dance in the kitchen while kissing."

    "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

    "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

    "Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."

    "When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared she won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only does she still love you, she loves you even more."

    "There are 2 kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."

    "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

    "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they've know each other so well."

    "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

    "Love is-if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

    "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

    "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

    "Don't feel so bad if you don't have a boyfriend. There's lots of stuff you can do without one."

    "Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

    "If you want somebody to love you, then just be yourself. Some people try to act like somebody else, somebody the boy likes better. I think the boy isn't being very good if he does this to you and you should just find a nicer boy."

    "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day"

    "When you're born and see your mommy for the first time.

    "Love is what makes people hide in the dark corners of movie theaters."

    "Love goes on even when you stop breathing and you pick up where you left off when you reach heaven."

    "My enemies taught me how to love."

    "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

    "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

    "You have to fall in love before you get married. Then when you're married, you just sit around and read books together."

    "I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

    "Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."

    "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

    "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

    "You never have to be lonely. There's always somebody to love, even if it's just a squirrel or a kitten."

    "You can break love, but it won't die."

  7. #417
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    Aliso Viejo, CA
    Posts
    836
    There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden, he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.

    As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

    In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

    Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

    The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.

    As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

    Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

  8. #418
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    Aliso Viejo, CA
    Posts
    836
    Homesick

    Duncan MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university
    and was living in the residentsí dorm.

    "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

    "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on
    that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one
    on the other side screams and screams all night."

    "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English
    neighbors?"

    "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
    playing my bagpipes."

  9. #419
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    Aliso Viejo, CA
    Posts
    836
    One man said to another, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. How about you?"

    The man replied, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"

  10. #420
    Lean mean speedin machine AR Boy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    Hong Kong
    Age
    30
    Posts
    255
    Bill Clinton and the pope had a meeting in "the red house" (Clinton's home) and somehow, Saddam Hussein managed to get pass the low level security and assasinated the 2 men at the same time.

    There was a mix up. The Pope went to Hell and Clinton went to heaven. Shocked by this mix up, God phones Satan to sort things out. After that, an escalator was built for all future mix ups. Clinton and the Pope then went on the escalators to start their new after life.

    On the escalator, Clinton and the pope were passing by.
    The Pope looked unusually happy and cheerful so Clinton took a look at him. He was dancing around, jumping up and down with excitment. "Oh Boy oh Boy!" he said. "I can't wait to see Virgin Mary!!!"
    "Too late" Clinton replied.
    READ THE ALL NEW AMAZING [STORY]RACE! (CLICK)
    "Good Morning Super Nintendo Chalmers!"-Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons.

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.